The Gratitude Project (part 3)

I wonder, had I known what was in store for 2020, would I have started this project? As it ends, I see the benefit. I realize how the reflections helped me survive it. But I don't know that I would have signed up for a Gratitude Project knowing we were about to endure what this year threw at us.

But that's the thing, isn't it? We can't choose what we live. We can only choose what we give to it and, eventually, hopefully, the lessons we take away from it.

The 2020 Gratitude Project
During past 365 projects, somewhere in the middle of the year, I found myself losing the purpose, getting overwhelmed by the scale of it and worrying about daily images “not being good enough.” I’m hoping this year will be different as I work to change the the way I think about documenting our life. Some amazing sermon series, several life experiences and a few books and people placed in my path at just the right time are starting to shift my photography brain. As I complete this 365 (well, 366), I’m working to focus on the following: – There is no room for self doubt or insecurity. This project isn’t about proving a talent or perfecting a skill. This project focuses on noticing, on being aware of the blessings placed in front of me and capturing them, and on being grateful for the gift of seeing. Comparing or measuring my technique places the focus on me, and the goal is to focus on the blessings.

Grant me daily the grace of gratitude, to be thankful for all my many gifts, and so be freed from artificial needs, that I might lead a joyful, simple life. -Henri Nouwen –

I will trust in the process, not chasing opportunities or panicking that the day will not produce an image. This is simply a documentation of my life and the things for which I am grateful. This project isn’t about searching for the best light or hunting down the most engaging lines or building more connected interactions – this project is about noticing those things and then gratefully documenting them. I do hope that the project fine tunes my eye and polishes my story presentation, but that’s not the ultimate goal.

If we really want to be full and generous in spirit, we have no choice but to trust at some level. – Rita Dove –

These daily scenes and my gift of photography come from God. I don’t have anyone to impress or compete with during this journey. It’s an exercise in appreciation for this world and for the gift with which I was blessed. Competition results in one of two outcomes – I am better than someone else or someone else is better than me, and neither of those conclusions are healthy or accurate.

Gratitude is not a passive response to something given to us, gratitude is being awake in the presence of everything that lives within and without us. -David Whyte –

This project will hopefully lead to learning new techniques and seeing in a new way, but I will be open to whatever is placed in my path. I will not be completely passive in this journey. I have ideas of techniques I want to learn and activities I hope to capture, but I will be flexible in my expectations. If my life has taught me anything, it’s that the alternate ending can be way more beautiful than Plan A.

Never be so focused on what you’re looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find. – Ann Patchett

So it begins – the 2020 Gratitude Project. If you are creating your own gratitude project, please share a link so I can follow. As much as I hope to stay true to my goals, I know how days can get busy or negative, and sharing in others’ gratitude fills my own gratitude tank! At times, our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.

Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. – Albert Schweitzer

Should I slip back into emotions that keep me from shooting, I am leaving this here as my reminder that there is only one way for me to successfully complete this project – focusing on gratitude.

July

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7-1-20

I made it half way through the project and I'm making a new album because it's getting tedious scrolling through all of these images. I've done a fair job sticking to the goals of the project, but I do think there is something lacking that I haven't been able to put into words just yet. I'm fairly certain it has something to do with being as effortlessly cool as this girl, not thinking so much about my surroundings but still somehow noticing all of the good stuff.

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7-2-20

Soften. Soften into the world around you. Allow the air and earth to heal, revive, rejuvenate, reawaken. Remember how wildness always holds you close- strong, consistent, slow, and steady. Rocks you in scents and sights and rhythms. Is always there to ground us. Is always soothing and knowing, and simple, and ready. - Victoria Erickson

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there. ~Rumi

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7-3-20

It was a night that felt normal, making childhood memories that will last well into adulthood. Childhood memories that weren't filled with what they were missing or who they were avoiding or what was threatening. Just complete amazement brought to them by explosions and sparks and friendship and celebration.

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7-4-20

This Pokemon Go obsession has made for some amazing hikes this past week. Okay, so their heads are in a screen a lot of the time, but at least it's not news or social media or lazing on a bean bag playing Switch. They are moving and stopping and even tearing their eyes away from the screen when I point out a cool bird. And we are all escaping, which I think is healthy and necessary right now. I know that the troubles don't end when we turn off the TV or stop scrolling the feeds, but those screens seem intent on escalating the hate and eliminating discussion. I truly believe that our individual stories are the only thing that will help us co-exist, and all I see on screens is people being shushed and shamed on all sides. It's difficult to counter-balance when no one is communicating off the screen either because we are all social distancing. I don't know how we are going to come out on the other side of this, but I know it won't be because we refused to listen to the views we don't agree with.

H is taking the daily news the hardest, mainly because he is an optimist and a fixer. These are tough times for the optimist fixer. We've had some heartbreaking conversations, and I don't know all of the answers, but I feel like what I do know is this - Be kind, talk less and listen more (especially when you disagree or don't understand -- more "Why do you say that?" less "You're an idiot for saying that.") and trust that God is in charge -- some of my darkest days were part of the necessary path to my greatest joys.

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7-5-20

We have babies!!! And, since these are mockingbird babies, I totally risked my life getting this shot. You've never met a more protective momma bird than a mockingbird.

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7-6-20

I love these nightly family walks so much that I don't even care that those bent elbows mean they are playing Pokemon Go AGAIN.

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7-7-20

We pumped up the music from the video and made a chalk Amarelinha Africana and it was AWESOME! But be prepared to be wiped out because it is also way high energy. I kept wishing we had made a shorter hopscotch.

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7-8-20

One of my favorite pictures of M is In our Carlisle front door, complete with "I'm taking on the world" eyes in her Supergirl Underoos. While I was cleaning the windows, she came out to talk with me and I made her stop for a picture. I think this will be an annual event from now on.

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7-9-20

We finally found a guitar / ukulele teacher we love, so they are back to weekly lessons and daily (well, most days) practicing. At their first lesson, she let them choose any song they wanted to learn. H chose Lean On Me - he hopes to learn it well enough to post online because he thinks people need to remember to lean on one another during hard times. M chose Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds because she loves The Beatles and that's her favorite.

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7-10-20

I didn't used to consider myself a morning person, but I have a hard time functioning throughout the rest of the day if I get up too long after the sun. There is peace there, a fresh start and an optimism. Slow and free of distractions and snap judgements and chatter.

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7-11-20

I saw a poem about lessons a poet learned from her grandmother and that, combined with new purple flowers in my garden, got me thinking about my own grandma. She was blessed with an effortless beauty, an hourglass figure and hands that automatically posed themselves when a camera turned her way. But, should she think about it too long, she would override that natural instinct and flip you the bird. And then you would likely see a smudge of petal or line of dirt competing with weekly manicured nails. I don't think I ever witnessed my grandmother walk past a flowerbed without leaning down to deadhead a stem or pull a weed, and it didn't matter if she was dressed for church or in cut-off jeans and an apron - gardens are not wardrobe specific and gloves are optional. It was as natural as breathing to tend to the flowers. It wasn't work because it was something she loved, and she passed this on to my mom, my sister and me. And what a blessing that is for all of us, to have that escape to a place full of life and lessons and memories and connection to one another.

This poem (and this flower that appears to be flipping me the bird) were the inspiration for today's gratitude project photo reflection

Grandma once gave me a tip:
During difficult times, you move forward in small steps.
Do what you have to do, but little by bit.
Don't think about the future, not even what might happen tomorrow. Wash the dishes.
Take off the dust.
Write a letter.
Make some soup.
Do you see?
You are moving forward step by step.
Take a step and stop.
Get some rest.
Compliment yourself.
Take another step.
Then another one.
You won't notice, but your steps will grow bigger and bigger.
And time will come when you can think about the future without crying. Good morning
- Elena Mikhalkova, "The Room of Ancient Keys"

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7-12-20

With all of the routine and normalcy we've had to give up, it's nice to be able to make create some traditions. Sunday morning = family swim time!

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7-13-20

Even with this project, there are days I forget to pick up the camera. This picture is not from the 13th, but it is a memory from this summer that I want in my Gratitude Project book. This pool has been a place of escape for us, providing much needed exercise and Vitamin D and laughter.

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7-14-20

H and I started running again yesterday after 2 weeks off (not intentional, just slowly stopped running and then my shorts weren't fitting, so I made us start again). As we ran, he commented how fast the time went during our walks but how slowly it ticked away during the runs.

As anyone with anxiety knows, anticipation is like that. At the beginning of the pandemic, I was more hopeful, thinking maybe our nationwide staying at home would halt the spread. I had a few sleepless nights, but mostly I just gave in and enjoyed the time with family, looking forward to the time when things would be normal again. I'm not naive; I knew it wouldn't disappear, but I didn't anticipate this level of spread. I didn't anticipate moving to our forever home only to limit our kids from making any new forever friends or not seeing extended family for over 6 months or rushing through Target trips to avoid contact. It's better that I didn't anticipate that - it would have crushed me in those early days. I needed the hope. And I'm still holding onto hope. There are the moments when I go into full panic, though, wondering how schools and elections and tension are going to fuel a full-on meltdown. If I go there, though, I miss the now. Getting lost in the anticipation takes me away from the present, and even though the present can seem pretty grim, there is beauty to be found here.

It rained last night - crazy wind, flash floods and thunder - so this hibiscus isn't the grand flower I anticipated. I'm grateful I took the time to enjoy the bud.

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7-15-20

Family walks and cool skies.

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7-16-20

We don't use this room as much as the kitchen eating area, but I was packing up some large boxes in the foyer and M came in here to eat breakfast and chat while I did. And just look at her, that sweet face in that sweet light. I had to pause and capture this blessing of a moment when she chose to break her routine because she wanted to be near me making conversation.

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7-17-20

I wish you could hear that sweet voice coming up the stairwell...

....Picture yourself in a boat on a river
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies......
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Ah....

Her "ahs" are the sweetest sound.

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7-18-20

I'm grabbing milk at Target yesterday and the announcement came on. That surreal announcement about masks and social distancing that makes me feel like I'm in the opening scene of a spooky pandemic movie. And even though we've been living this spooky pandemic movie for months, it always makes my gut twist and my throat catch.

My days are mostly spent like this picture, just me and the kids and no intercoms, so I can cut off the reality of it all at times and feel like we're living a normal life right now. But then a random kid swims too close to us and I bristle or there's a mention of summer ending, which means school is starting and then I just get mad. The whole situation of impossible choices and the uncertainty of when these kids can go back to being kids breaks me if I don't shift away.

But there is this. This toothless giggle right in front of me and her only concern is how quickly I'm dunking her over and over in the water.

The little things, the magic in the moments where everything floats away and I am distraction free enough to focus on the absolute bliss that's right in front of me. I've lived my life believing there are lessons in every struggle. I write those lessons down in hopes that, when we get to the other side of this, the lessons don't fade.

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7-19-20

They don't always work together as a team, but, when they do, it's golden!

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7-20-20

Looks like we've picked our summer game and soundtrack - Spikeball and Hamilton it is!

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7-21-20

Never can resist the puddle shots.

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7-22-20

This photo feels a little depressing for a Gratitude Project, but our world is kind of depressing right now, which makes finding the gratitude even more important. They had physicals yesterday and are in perfect health (beyond rashes caused by sweating too much because they are outside so much, which I see as a win).

I'm hopeful that next July, I can look at this memory and be grateful we aren't living this socially distant lifestyle any longer.

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7-23-20

Having early riser kids isn't always a benefit (I need that one cup of coffee before I interact with anyone ), but when we are able to get to the pool first thing in the morning, it's awesome! We had the pool to ourselves for an hour and then it was just one other family for another hour.

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7-24-20

It's all kind of running together, isn't it? The days, the isolation, pulling out as much joy in the allowed activities as we can, wondering how resilient these kids are and wondering, "where is their breaking point?" Are they holding it all together for the grown ups? Do they see the Stepford-like smiles covering our fear and anxiety and wonder if they are the only thing keeping us sane? Or maybe it's just so much their reality that they don't realize, as we do, what they are missing. We're comparing their reality to our own childhood memories .... of chicken fights in the shallow end and high fives and hugs at home plate and being packed arm to arm in the middle school cafeteria, respiratory-droplet-full waves of dramatic gasps and laughter overhead, waiting for school to start.
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These masks and this social distancing - it's awful. People can downplay and shame, but the reality is that it's really freaking hard. It takes away smiles and touch and drives a wedge between connection and reconnection. Not being able to embrace old friends, to clearly hear that laughter as you lean in to share an old memory. Being scared to give into raw emotion because you’re afraid to touch your face to wipe your tears. It feels isolating and claustrophobic and confining & seeing an entire room masked up is a surreal lonely that brings the reality of pandemic to the forefront ... and that's almost just too much to handle. The only thing getting me through it is knowing this too shall pass. And hopefully we are learning from it - solid lessons that cement themselves into our psyche because they are that difficult. It's the hardest gratitude lesson of all - losing that which we take for granted in order to fully appreciate it when it's returned.
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In middle school, I was a hugger. Somewhere along the way, I fell out of that. The rush of adult life, maybe a bit of cynicism, maybe the fear of adults being offended by huggers. I forgot how great a hug was until it was denied.

Fair warning - I'm going to hug you so big on the other side of this.

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7-25-20

There's nothing quite so satisfying as being the oldest kid in the piñata line. #dontholdback (and he certainly didn't!)

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7-26-20

When I first started walking this trail, I was amazed at the variety of birds, but the lack of even the simplest social interaction was unnerving. People would pass and look at the ground - it was during that quarantine phase when social distancing meant not even smiling or greeting one another. It was like we forgot how to be kind after being inside so long, or we were afraid that a smile was an invitation to not socially distance.

Over the past few weeks, people have started interacting more. I'm seeing people for the 5th or 6th time and that long lens makes them curious - and we've finally figured out how to have conversations while social distancing. The best part is that the people who stop me are so excited to TALK ABOUT BIRDS!!!! I guess the COVID has one perk - way more bird people now. Like real bird people - they want to talk about calls and habits and other locations where they can find birds and they get really excited when I tell them about new birds I've seen on the trails.

This isn't a new bird for me, but I like his bright cheeriness in the midst of the darkness.

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7-27-20

She will let me walk her most of the way to playdates, but then turns around and says, "I can make it the rest of the way." And then she bolts. I have to sneak to the other side of the street to make sure I see her get in the door. This independent child - it will serve her well, I know that.

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7-28-20

.... why try to explain miracles to children when you can just have them plant a garden? .... Robert Brault

Grammy sent us Plumeria seeds. We prepped them, per her instructions, with a mixture of peroxide and water between paper towels & then planted them when we saw green. They started out looking like dead leaves but are now starting to sprout. We only used 1/4 of the seeds, so we plan on experimenting with different growing methods with the remaining seeds. Once we have several plants, H&M will each choose one as their own and the plan is for them to nurture it for several years until they have their own homes. Then they can pull off seed pods for their own children and grandchildren and share the miracle of gardening throughout the generations.

.... where flowers bloom, so does hope ....
Lady Bird Johnson

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7-29-20

I don't know what I love more - that H was brave enough to paint directly on the bar or that EJ asked him to create something back there. H had me reading The Book Thief out loud while he painted, and I'm pretty sure that inspired some of it. If you haven't read that book, WOW! The poetic descriptions had me wanting to jump back there and paint.

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7-30-20

She doesn't mind the rain, so she decided to cover him from the rain. (He doesn't mind the rain either, but he appreciated the thought.)

I know it's hard to find since most of our lives are constricted to home and social media and news, but there are people weathering the storm together, helping one another. It's difficult to get past the political fights, the people giddy about someone dying from COVID and even wishing the disease on others , the constant divisive posts and memes and new stories, but the solidarity is there. I see moms on local pages giving away their old home school stuff even though they could make a bundle selling it, I see kind no-judgement conversations with people scared to send kids back to school, and I see people going out of their way to stand up for the rights of others (not because it will benefit them, but because it's the right thing to do).

There is bad, but there is also good. Sometimes you just have to search a little harder.

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7-31-20

I pulled out my camera to photograph how cool this pre-storm light was on the water, but then they started playing "which umbrella floats in the air the longest," and I decided that was the memory I wanted to keep instead.

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8-1-20

The hummingbirds have arrived!!! It's all the talk in my KC FB bird groups - they were so thin in July that people were getting worried. I was out trying to capture some shots when these two (three) showed up. How adorable are they waiting for the birds!

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8-2-20

It's not always the birds that catch my eye. I love how this butterfly matches the flowers and sky. Nature is so cool!

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8-3-20

A mom once told me (and I can't remember which mom) that each year gets better. "You think, 'Oh 5 is the best. But then they are 6, and that's better. And it just keeps getting better.'" Her kid hadn't reached pre-teen years, so I'm not sure if she would still give that advice, but I would. I just keep loving him, and the man he is becoming, more and more each year. I know it looks like just another kid on a screen here, but the stories he tells and the dreams he has that are connected to this screen - that's some gold right there!

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8-4-20

It's where the dark meets the light - that's where the magic happens. It's not always dramatic, not always rainbows or flare, but the edge of dark and light is the photography gold.

And so it is with life. The helper in the midst of the turmoil, the good news at the end of a bad diagnosis, the one person willing to listen when you've been constantly talked over. The light Is brighter at the end of the tunnel, on the other side of dark times. It's the flowers after the rain, the strength because of the struggle, the saving grace at the end of defeat. It's feeling so dark now, but we have dealt with dark times in the past. We can learn from this, grow from this, maybe even appreciate life more because of it.

We have a choice how we come out on the other side, and I really think it has much to do with how we treat one another, especially those we disagree with. Are we listening or shushing? Talking down or talking with? Asking "why is this important to you" or just jumping to "you're such an idiot to think/act/believe that!" Reading headlines and making decisions or slowing down and researching what we are sharing.

I've always been an optimist. I have no doubt we WILL come out on the other side (I would collapse into a puddle of anxious sadness if I gave into pessimism), but I do wonder how long it will take and what darkness we will face along the way.

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8-5-20

Turns out, Pokemon Go takes you to all the cool places. Those Pokestops mark the landmarks we would probably never find in this little town if we weren't on the hunt for more Pokemon.

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8-6-20

We didn't have to move yet. We have two more years until retirement and could have stayed on post for that time, but we wanted to get the kids into their "forever schools." COVID had other plans.

Based on last quarter, we aren't really virtual school people, so I've been gearing up to homeschool. I called the middle school yesterday to tell them our plan and was reminded again why I chose this district. All of the kindness and willingness to meet us where we are was exactly what I experienced when I toured the school last year. I talked with the principal yesterday about my concerns teaching math - I'm completely comfortable planning everything else, but Algebra is not my strength. We won't enroll in the district until we plan on returning to the building, but the principal offered some extra math workbooks to keep us in sync with H's class until we are comfortable enrolling.

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8-7-20

I've stopped trying to figure out her inner thermometer. We can all be bundled up and she's running around in nothing at all - and here it is, mid-August hot & humid and she's wearing a winter sweater (and winter sweater I begged her to wear when it was snowing and she was in short sleeves). I can just hear her, "What?!? My thermometer is different than yours!"

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8-8-20

Summer sales on cool M shell necklaces,

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8-9-20

You know what will get me almost as excited as a new bird? A frog. I think they are funny and fascinating and I will always drop the water hose to grab my camera when I see one.

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8-10-20

We FINALLY went to visit Grammy & Poppy! I hadn't even unloaded the car when she ran outside in her suit.

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8-11-20

One of my favorite places in the world - Grammy's greenhouse. There's always something magical happening in there.

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8-12-20

When I asked the kids what their favorite part of the visit was, H said it was helping Grammy dig up her plants. If I didn't know him so well, I would think it's because she paid him $20, but he really loved being able to be with her and help her with something.

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8-13-20

That look! This one is so competitive and beats us all at every game given enough time. She didn't master Gin this trip, but she will. Be certain, she will next time.

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8-14-20

It wasn't nearly long enough. Until next time....

228/366
8-15-20

There's a bird here sitting in a tree on the upper left hand side of the picture - he's hard to see because I shot this with my "walking lens" - a tiny 40mm pancake lens. But it's there and it's a KINGFISHER!!!! We have seen him in the neighborhood but always at the other pond that's hard to get to & awkward - no paths and right up against neighbors' backyards. This is right at the ponds we walk around every night, the same ponds I walk to in my pajamas if I see mist or herons flying over in the morning. It's my new mission to capture him. They are the coolest birds!

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8-16-20

I've been growing passion flowers for over 10 years, always from the same vines from my mom's house. Sometimes I can carry them over from the previous year, but more often than not, she's digging up around her yard to mail me plastic bags full of healthy rooted starts. I've been waiting on this year's plant to finally bloom, but it wasn't budging - lots of leaves but no flowers. I yelped out loud when I saw the first bud this week - exactly what I needed because I am really missing her after returning from our too-short trip. This is like having a bit of Grammy right in our own backyard.

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8-17-20

We got back from our after dinner walk and I realized I hadn't taken one picture all day. We started half-day home schooling today - just pre-testing so I know what I should teach them - and time just got away from me. I was sitting at the bottom of these stairs watching the hummingbirds and hoping for a pretty sky when she came out.

"Can I cut one of these flowers for my hair?"

And then she sat down right in front of me and asked if I could take her picture.

This beautiful human has taught me such valuable lessons. Be flexible, say "yes" more often, pick your battles, communicate with intent to compromise (not win) and let go of control - the unplanned & unexpected are so often the biggest blessings.

231/366
8-18-20

We started half day homeschooling this week - easing in for our official start date next Monday. Some things went really great (like learning fractions while baking shortbread cookies) and some not so great (reading comprehension lessons). I got overconfident with my ability to teach language arts and worked hard to make math fun. We're all learning lessons this week.

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8-19-20

I should have an "I BRAKE FOR BIRDS" bumper sticker on my car. Because I do -- ALL.THE.TIME. Doesn't even phase the kids anymore.

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8-20-20

In an effort to learn from my mistakes earlier in the week, I created this "cool lesson" that combined language arts with PE & science. It was pretty involved and resulted in a scientific study on something they collected in nature, some poetry, a few tears and a tantrum (ugh - I'm still learning) and this cool picture of a dragon fly.

234/366
8-21-20

Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened. - Anatole France

Chief was meant to be H’s dog. He picked her out - twice (we wanted a boy dog, so when H initially picked Chief from the litter, we did a "turn around and shuffle the dogs" move, putting the boys out front, but H moved them out of the way and selected Chief again). And even though she smelled like a pig farm, H cuddled with her for 10 hours in the back seat while we drove back home. Over the years, Chief has been most drawn to EJ. She's very clearly "EJ's dog." But H still claims her even when she shuffles away to be closer to EJ. I will come into rooms and find Hansen like this quite often, just cuddling with Chief and petting and hugging her. When she moves onto something or someone else, H kind of frowns briefly, but he moves on and smiles to have had the time with her. He does this with people too, which can be wonderful but heartbreaking. I think H is probably the most doglike human I have ever met - there is a loyal naïveté with that boy that fills and crushes my heart at the same time. I struggle to balance teaching him about the world while letting him stay young & innocent as long as possible.

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8-22-20

I took the R5 out to some new locations this weekend. I'd heard a lot about this Craig's Crossing in KS photographer groups, but I was surprised to find a single trail surrounding a long, green sludge-covered pond. There were some cool birds and animals around, but that sludge was just EVERYWHERE and so green. I took a few pictures by the water, but then just decided to duck back into the trails and get some exercise. I didn't expect to find anything to photograph back there, but something twitched and caught my eye and there was this gorgeous heron on top of this log bathing in the sunlight. Herons are like that - you can be right up on them and have no clue they are there, perched in a tree or hanging at the edge of the water, and then there's movement and they are so obviously present and beautiful.

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8-23-20

I woke up at 5am so I could be caffeinated and out the door by 5:30 so I could drive 36 minutes and hike 10 minutes to be in the perfect place in time for sunrise at Black Hoof Park. It was the most underwhelming sunrise I've experienced in some time. No clouds, no big ball of sun, no drama at all.

Walking to my perfect viewing perch, I passed a fisherman. Possibly the happiest fisherman I've met on my lake visits (most are pretty focused on relaxing and fishing and they certainly don't want to talk - they would have stayed home if they wanted to talk). But this guy, he wanted to talk. Not a long conversation, but just a comment on how amazing this morning was and how lucky we were to be experiencing it. You could see it by the way his breath kind of stuck in his chest as he talked that he was grateful to be in this place.

After my underwhelming sunrise, I headed back down the path and passed the fisherman again.

"Did you get any great shots of the sunrise?"
"Not really. Did you get any good fish."
"Not really."

And we both smiled as we walked away ... just being in the middle of the miracle of a new day emerging was more than enough.

237/366
8-24-20

Theoretically, this is my time to shine. I spent a LOT of time and money on a Master's in Education: Curriculum Development. I taught for two years after that and then left teaching to stay home with my kids. I've always felt like maybe that degree timing wasn't optimal, but here we are homeschooling. Looks like I can develop some curriculum after all! (In between being in charge of the front office, custodial team and food service.)

As great as it is to be prepared for this (I use this phrase loosely - it's obvious in the first two days I was not prepared for THIS), this is not what we wanted. After visiting many school districts in the area, we fell in love with this one and moved to this town so our kids could start in their "forever school" as soon as possible. Then COVID. I debated sending them back - the district seems to have a solid plan and their summer school was successful. We decided to homeschool for the consistency and also because we can opt in at any time instead of making a semester long decision.

I've printed out the state standards, the schools are working with us sharing scope and sequence documents & even donating workbooks so we can transition in as seamlessly as possible. But beyond all of that curriculum stuff, I really hope to use however much time we have as teacher and students to build a love for learning, to attempt to let go of the reins a bit and let them control the pace and subject matter based on their interests, to use this one on one time to identify strengths and build up weaknesses. Bonus that I really like these kids - here's to a fantastic school year (or semester or month or whatever).

238/366
8-25-20

Afternoon game of D&D

or as noted in the Karlberg Academy standards tracking

English Language Arts Grade-Level Expectations
Grade 7
Speaking & Listening
Collaborating 1A-B

Conversations
K-5 correlation
SL1A, SL3A
- Follow rules for collegial
discussions and decision-making, track progress
toward specific goals and
deadlines, and define
individual roles as needed.

Questioning
K-5 correlation SL3A
-Delineate a speaker’s
argument and claims,
evaluating reasoning in
order to pose questions that
elicit elaboration and
respond to others' questions
and comments with relevant
observations and ideas that
bring the discussion back on
topic as needed

Grade 3
Develop and apply
effective listening skills
and strategies in formal
and informal settings
by:
a. demonstrating active
listening through
body language and
eye contact with the
speaker, according to
classroom
expectations
b. asking questions to
check understanding
of information
presented, staying on
topic, and linking
comments to the
remarks of others

239/366
8-26-20

I've always known it was important to look for the positive, to hunt for the joy and search for the light. I didn't know just how important that would be in 2020 when I started this project. There are days I am SO OVER this project, discouraged that everything feels the same, boring, like I'm not pushing myself enough. And then I remember (again), that was never the point of this project. It's hard to quiet voices from past goals as your own goals change.

240/366
8-27-20

Looking forward to pink tips was the motivation she needed to push through a rough day of homeschooling. (Note the goggles on the chair because the shower was the only way to wash out the hair color.)

241/366
8-28-20

I met my (then and now ... and forever) best friend in elementary school. We don't always agree & have had a few good fights (with fists and words, and maybe there was biting one time ), but we always came back together because we are bonded by a connection that only best friends can understand. There's an "I get you" and an "I got you" code with us. We are often laughing until we can't breathe while the rest of the room stares in silence. We can be together for hours, sometimes talking the entire time, sometimes just happy to be sitting in one another's presence. When we are together, there comes a confidence in knowing that this person understands all of the flaws and strengths and will build up the former and magnify the latter, especially if we are being challenged by someone else. We are invincible, and maybe it's just in our heads, but that's enough.

I see this kind of fierce friendship in their future. I won't force it, but I will certainly encourage it, because I see so many of these traits in them.

242/366
8-29-20

Scenes from a Trader Joe's bouquet.

243/366
8-30-20

Every night is the same these days - dinner, family walk, hang with EJ on the couch. Every once in a while, we throw in a family game to mix it up. I'm not complaining; they are beautiful, love-filled days. But I am ready for the next phase (bad moon pun) of this pandemic, where we all look back at it and sigh with relief that it's over. I don't know when that is, but that's one of the great lessons it has brought me, truly giving up control over something.

244/366
8-31-20

I'm getting a lot of side eye these days. All the teacher training in the world can't prepare someone for a one-room schoolhouse (where the kids are yours and it's in YOUR house). We are slowly figuring it out, adding and taking away things that work and don't. They are obsessed with Latin, but M isn't excited about writing (but she will read all day if I let her) and H isn't too thrilled about algebra (if he could just do geometry and logic puzzles all day, we'd be golden). My main goals are to keep them loving learning and to help them slide seamlessly back into the curriculum when they return to their schools so they aren't as thrown by all the other challenges that await there.

245/366
9-1-20

I could just schedule music class all day long. Not sure that would prepare them for going back to school, but we would sure have fun I love that their teacher is prepping a bunch of duets for them.

246/366
9-2-20

I've really been missing my Oklahoma sunrises lately, but last night's Missouri sunset was pretty phenomenal.

247/366
9-3-20

I'm so proud of this kid. He started online TKD in March thinking it would be a short term thing. Now, here we are in September and he's still online. A lot of kids would have given up, but he's in front of that computer for every single class, even when we traveled to Dallas. He's testing for his next belt this week, so he carried the computer outside to show his instructor the correct long stances that the basement layout cannot accommodate. After I took this, he looked up and gave me the knife to the throat "cut" sign. So no more pictures during TKD class.

248/366
9-4-20
Since we've had pretty perfect weather, I've been heading to the ponds every morning again just as the sun comes up over the neighborhood. There really is no time of day more magical than dawn.

249/366
9-5-20

The herons have been absent from our ponds for about a month, but now they've returned I can watch these birds for hours - fishing, grooming, flying, trying to hide from the walkers and golf carts - they are fascinating. And a giant bird in a tree is always going to entertain me.

250/366
9-6-20

I thought this area's waxwing season was over months ago, so I was shocked to see one on my morning walk. They rarely show up without a life lesson, but other than hope and the reflection that times passes and we survive it (even when the circumstances seem debilitating), I didn't experience a big epiphany. I thought maybe I should search for one, so I set off to find the symbolism of the Cedar Waxwing.

One of the sites I came across said,
"Waxwings are beautiful and gentle summer birds. {it} has the appearance of wearing a mask and invites one to examine the concept of masks in one's life." Um, no. We've all examined that concept way too much lately. There has to be something else.

Then I found these descriptions -
"No matter where you read about waxwings, one thing that is sure to be mentioned is their deeply ingrained sharing customs. From an early age, they begin practicing sharing with one another. They eat mainly red berries and they love to pass them on. I read one account that said sometimes a group of the birds will sit lined up, the first one with a berry in its beak, and it will pass that berry to the next bird, who will pass it to the next, and so on to the end of the line." .... "Spiritualists believe waxwings to be a symbol of selfless generosity. The symbolism of the waxwing totem is believed to teach selflessness and the practice of giving to others for their benefit, and not your own. Waxwings are traditionally associated with the politeness you should have when you give away to others the thing you have craved for or cherished for so long."

I'm still not clear on the lesson here, but I still have the hope. Hope that maybe all of this social distancing combined with being inundated with impolite behavior at every turn will flip a switch in us when we finally come together again. Ignites in us the importance of being social, sharing, being kind, selflessness.

I happened across the American Birding Association's announcement of the 2020 Bird of the Year. Yep, Cedar Waxwing. Maybe there's a reason.

251/366
9-7-20

I've got the teacher vibe going I suppose. I researched sunflowers and came across this article - https://www.latimes.com/.../la-sci-sn-sunflowers....

Three things that strike me here
1. That any flower would have this ability to turn 180 degrees to face the sun every day.
2. That mature sunflowers always face east - the more mature, the more willing to face the sunshine and wait for it even when it's nowhere to be found.
3. That, while manipulated during experiments, the sunflowers try SO HARD to continue facing the sun. When they are manipulated away from the sun, their health suffers. When their nature is fiercely manipulated, they become thoroughly confused and move erratically during the night.

All this to say, I am forever grateful to be surrounded by the sunflowers in my life. I am an optimist, but I am prone to consider worst-case scenarios and that can throw me off track into a fit of anxious thoughts. But I have people turning me towards the sun daily. And I am very aware of the blessing it is to have that encouragement in my life.

252/366
9-8-20

I was wrong. I thought he would pick the kicking pictures, but he wanted this one that showed he earned his belt.

253/366
9-9-20

I always mistake the robins for a new bird. It's a joke with H&M now.

I'll gasp, "OH!!! Look! A new bird over there! Grab the Merlin App."
"Mom, it's a robin."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure - look at its chest."
"Darn. You're right. It's just a robin."

After a similar exchange this week, H asked why I didn't like the robins anymore. I told him it wasn't that I don't *like* them, I just don't get excited about them.

"You used to. When I was younger, I remember you grabbing me to show me the 'cool orange birds.' You used to be super excited about them."

I remember this, too, and I remember singing "Robin in the Rain" and telling him how they are the first spring birds to appear and how exciting it is to see them because of that. How they are as playful as they are beautiful.

How easy it is to discard the wonder in the novel things that, over time, become commonplace, but those are some of the best blessings. The ones you can count on, the constants, the not so awe-inspiring because they are so genuine. I needed that reminder to not take the everyday blessings for granted.

254/366
9-10-20

One bonus of homeschooling - you have the freedom to create your own comfy learning space.

255/366
9-11-20

One of the best parts of this project is that it forces me to look for things that make me happy, that stir my soul ... to search for the gratitude in the mundane. And September has been especially difficult in its monotony. I need these daily walks more than ever and it's so little about the photos I get on those walks. It's the sitting, reflecting, stopping my brain to take it all in. It's a little like yoga for my brain, trying to stop down everything but the looking, focusing on the now instead of rehashing the past or worrying about the future.

256/366
9-12-20

The trails have been amazing this week, beautiful light and misty fog even late into the morning. We are also in the middle of migration season, so I have a small window to see birds I don't get to see very often. On this trail walk, I saw a little baby indigo bunting (so cute!), a million cedar waxwings, a yellow billed cuckoo eating a cricket and this beautiful brown thrasher. It's hard to tell in this picture, but they have the coolest yellow eyes.

257/366
9-13-20

So many of my pre-COVID images were in public places - stores, schools, zoos - and it always felt completely natural to have that giant camera around my neck, documenting these daily adventures. But with a mask and the distancing and the surreal world we are in now, this felt awkward. It was just us and the paint department associate, but it still felt like I was inconveniencing someone somewhere, taking up too much space. Maybe that will be one of the positive outcomes of all this - respecting one another's space.

We went to Home Depot to find paint for an in-bed bookshelf EJ made for M. The last time I washed sheets, I found 34 books in her bed. This is pretty typical. Rather than pile them all up and drag them back to the bookshelf on the other side of the room, we are going to try this bed shelf. She picked Placid Sea and we will be adding glitter before painting.

258/366
9-14-20

With so much hate filling our screens, it's easy to get swallowed up in uneasy feelings, to worry that the good is spiraling away and that we are left with only negativity and tension. But there is a choice here - you can choose to seek out the positive. Even more important, you can BE THE POSITIVE and make finding the good easier for others so desperate to find it. You can make the effort to smile so big at the weary cashier that he goes beyond your mask and sees it in your eyes. You can slow down and wave the rushed mom into your lane even if she's being a punk driver. You can be the everyday miracle that turns a person's entire day around just by being kinder.

It may seem small and simple. Not enough. But it's not an insignificant contribution to make the extra effort to make another person's day easier. It's an important purpose to have a loving heart for strangers. That smile, the selfless gesture, that escape from constant negative - those are the actions that change the world one moment, one person, one life at a time.

Every person has a story. Have patience, give grace, accept that you can't know what led to a person's negative attitude and that your positive response could turn it all around.

-----
I think this post can sound preachy, like I'm telling people reading it to do these things. I actually write these posts for myself, to remind myself of lessons I learn as I lean into seeking gratitude this year. This post was inspired by my sister, Cindy, who is always kind to the cashiers and the servers and the random people she meets in the grocery store aisles. I wonder how many days/people,/lives she has turned around with something as simple as her kindness for strangers. Her example makes me slow down and be more considerate of strangers. I (and the strangers I encounter) are very grateful for her example.

259/366
9-15-20

Sometimes we close the living room blinds when it gets too bright or hot, but we always leave the last one open for the spoiled Chief dog.

260/366
9-16-20

This picture is taken at 5:30 pm, long after our school day usually winds down. At 8:30 am, she became frustrated with this "mapping the neighborhood" assignment (something I thought would be super fun for her as we study Lewis and Clark), wadded it up and threw it in my general direction. We moved on to math. This may seem like a fail but for us a it's actually a huge win because 1) I didn't take it personally and we just moved on and 2) she unwadded it on her own and completed it before the end of the day and 3) our discussion after she finished showed it helped her understand the depth of the Lewis and Clark journals.

261/366
9-17-20

The bed bookshelf is almost complete! "Not enough glitter," though, according to M. So we are adding more during the poly stage and hoping that does that trick!

262/366
9-18-20

It was the end of the day and we were supposed to do some Latin quizzes in the basement. It was absolutely GORGEOUS outside, these two were fighting over every little thing and we all needed a break. I sent them outside with one mission - "make a hopscotch with points listed on the side -- we're doing a pop quiz battle." I took way too long coming outside (we ALL needed a break) and found them making these cool dragon hopscotch creations for our game. These kids really need to be back in school, but while we wait for that, I'm cherishing these moments I get to watch how their brains operate.

263/366
9-19-20

I'm always impatient waiting for the first hibiscus to bloom, often thinking they didn't survive the winter, but then when everything else seems to be prepping for the winter, they kick into high gear. Look at all of those little buds behind this flower!

264/366
9-20-20

I have so many messages that just say, "SUN!" Lately, during sunrise and sunset, it's been this giant hazy ball of orange. I wanted to capture it not just for the visual, but to remember that EJ & H think of me enough to send me those texts.

265/366
9-21-20

I've been having a hard time keeping up with this project. It's a time thing, but it's also a Groundhog Day thing. Our weekdays are mostly homeschooling in the basement. The moments and light down there are pretty amazing, but how many "homeschooling in the basement" photos do I really need? And then I thought, with all this freedom, why are we spending so much time IN THE BASEMENT?!? So we took our Lewis and Clark study outside and headed over to the actual trail. (Bonus is that this is a huge bird siting marsh trail, including hundreds of pelicans! We didn't see those yesterday, but we will be headed there again so fingers crossed.)

266/366
9-22-20

Lesson 1, every morning.

267/366
9-23-20

The days are up and down ... and this day was more down. Endless sibling bickering and frustration with lessons. So we just stopped and walked to the tennis courts for a PE break. And then they bickered there. But at least it was outside and we got some exercise in.

268/366
9-24-20

In person Taekwondo!!!!

269/366
9-25-20

We've been studying MO history and much of the curriculum we got from the local school focuses on geography's influence on Missouri's past and present. Reading Lewis & Clark's original journals, studying Underground Railroad routes, and watching documentaries on the Missouri River have put my morning walks and nature trail visits into a new context. These accounts we are studying put so much emphasis on nature and its details that it's impossible not to ponder the lives we are studying as I walk through this living history that surrounds us. I float between sadness and hope as I consider the past but realize the progress. More than anything, I'm reminded that time moves on, seasons change and pandemics pass. It seems endless sometimes, but the perspective of these studies gives me hope.

270/366
9-26-20

They think I'm too strict with the screen time. Maybe they are right? Being in person to watch how hard they work during the school week, I have absolutely no reservations letting them spend Saturday mornings like this. Chilling on the Switch, decompressing from the week.

271/366
9-27-20

It's just a Target picture, but I'm grateful for a small sense of normalcy returning. And I'm grateful that she asks to go along on my errands - it's a win that she enjoys spending time with me because I certainly enjoy her silly company.

272/366
9-28-20

I've always wanted a kitchen herb garden. It's possible I've gone overboard (this is about 1/4 of the entire setup), but I love it.

273/366
9-29-20

Looking through my sunrise folders, these calm ombre (calmbre ?) skies always happens just as fall is taking hold. My favorite season is just around the corner. (I realize it's officially fall already, but I mean the consistent feeling and events that make me love this season).

274/366
9-30-20

It's a blessing and a curse - the absence of a strict timeline when homeschooling. She gets the work done, but she doesn't always do in on my schedule. I am trying to find that balance between meeting her where she is and preparing her for her return to in person school.