The Gratitude Project (part 2)

I wonder, had I known what was in store for 2020, would I have started this project? As it ends, I see the benefit. I realize how the reflections helped me survive it. But I don't know that I would have signed up for a Gratitude Project knowing we were about to endure what this year threw at us.
But that's the thing, isn't it? We can't choose what we live. We can only choose what we give to it and, eventually, hopefully, the lessons we take away from it.

The 2020 Gratitude Project
During past 365 projects, somewhere in the middle of the year, I found myself losing the purpose, getting overwhelmed by the scale of it and worrying about daily images “not being good enough.” I’m hoping this year will be different as I work to change the the way I think about documenting our life. Some amazing sermon series, several life experiences and a few books and people placed in my path at just the right time are starting to shift my photography brain. As I complete this 365 (well, 366), I’m working to focus on the following: – There is no room for self doubt or insecurity. This project isn’t about proving a talent or perfecting a skill. This project focuses on noticing, on being aware of the blessings placed in front of me and capturing them, and on being grateful for the gift of seeing. Comparing or measuring my technique places the focus on me, and the goal is to focus on the blessings.

Grant me daily the grace of gratitude, to be thankful for all my many gifts, and so be freed from artificial needs, that I might lead a joyful, simple life. -Henri Nouwen –

I will trust in the process, not chasing opportunities or panicking that the day will not produce an image. This is simply a documentation of my life and the things for which I am grateful. This project isn’t about searching for the best light or hunting down the most engaging lines or building more connected interactions – this project is about noticing those things and then gratefully documenting them. I do hope that the project fine tunes my eye and polishes my story presentation, but that’s not the ultimate goal.

If we really want to be full and generous in spirit, we have no choice but to trust at some level. – Rita Dove –

These daily scenes and my gift of photography come from God. I don’t have anyone to impress or compete with during this journey. It’s an exercise in appreciation for this world and for the gift with which I was blessed. Competition results in one of two outcomes – I am better than someone else or someone else is better than me, and neither of those conclusions are healthy or accurate.

Gratitude is not a passive response to something given to us, gratitude is being awake in the presence of everything that lives within and without us. -David Whyte –

This project will hopefully lead to learning new techniques and seeing in a new way, but I will be open to whatever is placed in my path. I will not be completely passive in this journey. I have ideas of techniques I want to learn and activities I hope to capture, but I will be flexible in my expectations. If my life has taught me anything, it’s that the alternate ending can be way more beautiful than Plan A.

Never be so focused on what you’re looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find. – Ann Patchett

So it begins – the 2020 Gratitude Project. If you are creating your own gratitude project, please share a link so I can follow. As much as I hope to stay true to my goals, I know how days can get busy or negative, and sharing in others’ gratitude fills my own gratitude tank! At times, our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.

Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. – Albert Schweitzer

Should I slip back into emotions that keep me from shooting, I am leaving this here as my reminder that there is only one way for me to successfully complete this project – focusing on gratitude.

April

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4-1-20
We bought this awesome loft bed for H, but it's the wrong color so he needs to sand it down and paint it. He's out there often, but the rest of us, with very little else to do, have joined in to help with the project.

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4-2-20
We caught Lunch Doodles with Mo late in the day, almost 5 o'clock by the time we tuned in. At the beginning of the episodes, he reads letters from fans and one kid asked what Mo misses the most right now. He answered, "I think I miss going to a restaurant and running into a friend that I didn't expect to see and giving that friend a big hug and then sitting and having a drink with that friend and talking with that friend. I really miss that. I wish I could do more of that."

Ugh, the lack of normalcy right now is gut wrenching. His words dug in hard, making me miss things I didn't even realize I was missing ... and helping to explain this cycle of roller coaster gratitude and grief that I can't seem to control.

I keep seeing these memes about how our grandparents went to war and we are complaining about sitting on our couches at home. But the thing is, isolation is a big deal. Suddenly being ripped apart from routines and interactions and plans - that's huge. I think we need to acknowledge how big this really is if we are going to get through it. Yes, there are beautiful things happening right now, glimpses of humanity that remind us how wonderful people can be when we all come together, but that almost makes it worse in moments when we realize how much we were taking all that for granted when we had the freedom to be around people.

I can't imagine how much harder this would be without internet and cell phones, but I'm over screen conversations. I want hugs and big, in-person laughs and birthday celebrations and the normalcy of "running into a friend that I didn't expect to see and giving that friend a big hug and then sitting and having a drink with that friend and talking with that friend. I really miss that. I wish I could do more of that."

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4-3-20
We ZOOMed with some old OPQ friends last night and I was reminded how important and soul-filling it is to laugh, especially during the difficult times.

When I don't have ZOOM, I have my back window and these birds entertain me way more than they should.

(No birds were hurt in the making of this photograph)

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4-4-20
It's not a comforting new normal to be advised to wear face masks in public, but I'm grateful to have a husband and mom who can create ones that put the kids at ease. After spending all week at work, EJ spent his afternoon cranking out koalas and rainbows and fire and robots and a cool golden shield. Grammy has a package in the mail with face masks that match the kids' favorite clothes.

EJ is essential so he's never stopped going to work. I don't go in public much except for groceries. The kids haven't been in a store or restaurant since March 14. But we are all prepared with new masks when we need them

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4-5-20
I know... it's another movement in the sunset picture, but this is what makes me happy. And I'm really needing to latch onto happy, shiny moments right now.

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4-6-20
There was no time for pictures yesterday. House closing and contractor phone calls and Taekwondo classes and rushing to finish up online schooling at the end of a busy day. So I have one more from Sunday, the day M taught me to play the ukulele on the back porch (I'll spare you the video). She's not the most patient student in the world, but every one could use a teacher with her patience.

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4-7-20
We are slowly moving stuff to the new house. There's a severe shortage of places to sit since we haven't moved any chairs yet. Not surprised to find H here in the reading nook (but this is in M's room, so he will soon need to find a new reading nook).

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4-8-20
I am still consistently sleeping through the night. The only thing keeping my days straight are the kids' Zoom meetups, and even then I get confused. It seems unbelievable that it's been less than a month since the national emergency was declared and states started shutting down. In the midst of it all, we have our new house and are slowly moving stuff (thankfully on a very loose timeline). With so much, and so little, happening in such a short period of time, I wonder what hindsight lessons we will have when there is time to breathe and think.

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4-9-20
She found this packaged bird house and decided it was her project. She found all the tools and paint and got to work. She painted the inside first because "they need to feel at home once they are inside."

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4-10-20
No question, this will be my favorite room in the house - The Project Room! First project is putting together all of these giant LEGOs (IKEA desks and tables). Lucky for me, I've got a few people in the house well versed in organizing by bag, size and color. We would have completed more, but in my Ziploc bag of tools, I only brought one (non-electric) screwdriver. So, guess where we will be all day? One cabinet down, 10 cabinets and 6 tables to go!

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4-11-20
Chief and I both love the light and windows in the new house. And I really look forward to meeting all of these people walking the neighborhood paths when we are finally allowed to socialize again.

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4-12-20
This was the first bird that greeted us when we moved in last summer, so peppy and joyful with that beautiful song. We named him Tweets and he's back to be the first to welcome us every morning now that spring has arrived. (I'm sure there is more than one Carolina Wren out there, but we have convinced ourselves that it's Tweets every time one lands on our deck.)

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4-13-20
The drive between the two houses is really gorgeous. Yesterday, I pulled over to take a picture of the landscape and neither kid said anything like, "why are we stopping" or "what are you doing?" I questioned why and H said, "we get it - it's beautiful and you want to remember it."

I woke up super early today and had some fun in my painting program with this shot.

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4-14-20
I read about everyone without a schedule, bored in their houses, and I realize that this moving during a pandemic, although a little stressful with the doing it ourselves and being on a (long) schedule, is a blessing. Every day, I am driving between the two houses with loads in the back of the car, slowly transferring our lives from one house to the other. I can fill up my tank for $20 and it's only a 17 minute drive that often involves a phone call to my mom or sister, so the daily commute isn't so bad. Some days, I drive in silence and take in the beauty that is rural KS/MO and am thankful we managed to get back here to retire.

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4-15-20
This time of year, I would normally spend a lot of time walking trails and taking pictures of birds. Corona and moving into a new house have altered that routine. Yesterday I decided to take an hour alone and see what was out there. I spent about 45 minutes just sitting in nature, hearing the birds but not seeing any. As I got in the car to head home, this guy caught my eye. We've been hearing them around our house, but we had convinced ourselves that they were dove calls. When I got home, I was excited to show the kids that we actually HAD been hearing owls. "That's a BARRED owl, mom!" said M. Yes, yes it is.

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4-16-20
How beautifully anchored is this hope that does not change in changing winds.
https://www.weekend-creative.com/thoughts/inspiration46

inspiration for above

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4-17-20
I'm not a fan of squirrels. And not just because I never can remember how to spell squirrel. They mess up the bird plan and they poop too much. When I see one, I usually yell for Chief and let her chase it out of the yard. But yesterday, I decided to watch this one steal all of the peanuts from the blue jay ring. Watching him climb and stretch to gain access was pretty entertaining, but then the squirrel caught my eye, froze, threw the peanut out of his hands, and then stayed on this perch like, "what, I don't even like peanuts?!?" - all while not breaking eye contact. It was probably the funniest thing I saw all day (granted, my day included 7 hours of installing adhesive shelf paper in the new kitchen). So the squirrel gets some allowances for the entertainment factor, but once this pandemic wanes....

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4-18-20
We move A LOT! I have so many of these transition pictures, inflatable mattresses and card tables and boxes as dinner trays. Big, empty houses as we anticipate a new life in a new home. It's surreal knowing this house will be home for so long. Even more surreal moving into one of the friendliest communities in the area, only to not be able to socialize beyond a wave. For now, they have roller chairs and NETFLIX, which they aren't complaining about, but I really wish they were out tossing Frisbees and trading Pokemon with new friends. But we have time, lots of time in this new home.

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4-19-20
I woke up at 4am. I probably could have packed some boxes, but my life is starting to feel very Groundhog Day, so I chose to drive over to the river. Since EJ's an essential worker, I'm the responsible parent at home ... until the weekend. The sun rose into a cloud covered sky, but it was still wonderful to sit there as the birds chirped it up over the horizon, even if I only saw a sliver of light before it disappeared behind more clouds. The birds kept chirping - they didn't seem to mind that it wasn't the most dramatic show. And neither did I. I found a surprising satisfaction in choosing to be alone somewhere - funny since I've been missing interaction so much this month. But this was my choice, and I was close to things that make me content & grateful - a sunrise, the birds, blooming trees and God.

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4-20-20
It's springtime. Normally, my days would be filled with too many morning trips to the nursery and afternoons of digging in dirt and planning the NEXT trip to the nursery. Our new home has some good landscaping bones, but the front flowerbed is just a mess of overlapping, overgrown plants. I've had to replace buying & planting with pruning & weeding and ... the best part ... discovering what is hidden in the depths of the bed. These bleeding hearts were way in the back, buried under holly and evergreen and dead leaves.

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4-21-20
(disclaimer - I'm up at 3 am writing this, so you are basically reading my insomnia journal. When I write it out, I can usually get back to sleep faster. But it will ramble - there's a lot going on in this sleepless brain.)

There were no pictures to share from 4-21. It was a rough day. The pandemic overshadows everything, creating a stressful framework that isn't healthy for any psyche. Throw some additional everyday stressors and unexpected situations on top of that and we can't really be expected to move forward without some help.

The personalities in our household handle it so differently, and I suppose that's good if we harness our strengths and work as a team, which would be way easier to do if at least one of us was operating at 100%. And sometimes it's just so confusing to figure out where words and actions are manifesting so we can help one another through this, even harder when the speakers and actors aren't even sure.

At the end of this very hard day, after tears were wiped and fears were discussed and every one of us knew every one of us was going to bed with anxiety and a bit of defeat, a commercial came on. It was a commercial celebrating hospital staff, Lauren Daigle's Rescue narrating the scenes. I cried my own tears, grateful for the reminder of God's grace but also still feeling defeated as a mom, knowing my kids went to bed with worries because I couldn't find the right words.

I often ask my kids What Would Jesus Do? Sometimes it's in serious situations, where they actually needs guidance to make a difficult moral choice. Sometimes I say it to make them laugh, like if they can't decide on an ice cream flavor or are taking forever to finish homework (on a side note, these have led to some interesting theological musings by these kids).

So, at the end of this hard day, after we were all in bed and my brain was going 100 mph, I looked for comfort in that Lauren Daigle song.

.....I am surrounded and seen and loved unconditionally.
....Although I may feel like it, I am never defenseless because I am not fighting alone.

And as I got some comfort, I got the guidance. This song isn't about solving a problem, because the truth is, there is one big solution and it's constant. This song is about the comfort of knowing you are seen, loved and have someone willing to fight for you in every situation. What a comfort, what a peace.

I have worked my entire life fighting the urge to "fix" everything, and I can finally say I'm winning those battles more than losing. Not every problem is to be fixed, some problems are just meant to be understood and comforted (and some problems aren't really even problems at all once they are turned around and inside out). So, in my What Would Jesus Do? parenting version, I'm taking this song as my guidance. It's easy to get frustrated and react in retreat or anger (neither the best reaction) when my kids deal with this stress in big ways. I want to yell, "COME ON!!! JUST DO THE WORK" so we can get in the car and get this house moved. It's tempting to say, "Look, kids, we are all going through this pandemic. You think you're the only one pissed off at everything right now? How about you cut Mom some slack?!" Or just walk away. Ignore it because it will pass (but, spoiler alert, it will return, likely bigger). But my WWJD guidance tells me that, during those hardest times, when the kids are being their most impossible, it's likely fear, insecurity or uncertainty at the core. If I can find the words and actions to let them know that they are surrounded by a God and family that will always see them, always love them and always go to battle for them, that comfort will go a lot further in making the days more manageable.

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4-22-20
Of all the beautiful birds I've seen behind my house, I've never seen a bluebird. We have a ton of house sparrows that keep them away. Luckily, I just have to cross the street to find a nest of them, but I don't take the time to do that very often. I took a break, alone, and walked with my camera after dinner and found this sweet guy singing above my head.

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4-23-20
Every day, we bring a load of boxes to the new house, slowly moving in. When we arrived yesterday, there was a giant surprise on the front porch - my Wayfair chair had arrived a week early! But there were boxes of books to carry in from the car before I could tackle the chair project. I sent M to the craft room and H to the car to help carry the book boxes. When we were done, I found M here, box open, instructions out, almost done building my chair (probably faster and better than I would have).

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4-24-20
"Hey, H, are you putting up your boxes of books?"

Well, at least he wasn't surfing his phone.

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4-25-20
Yes, he IS taller than me. He passed me last week. He's growing up in other ways too. We can't do a drop off at the new house without him asking what he can do to help. And then he will carry boxes without any effort that have me heavy breathing. He's starting to ask harder questions and laugh at jokes that he wouldn't have caught a year ago. His voice is lower, his mustache is growing and I can't keep up with his snack/meal count.

But he's still H - joking around lying on the couch in the driveway, begging to watch Pokemon with M, telling me story after story of worlds and inventions he's creating in his head. I'm sure I'm setting myself up by saying this, but I kind of like this in between age of 12.

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4-26-20
The Creation Room has been such a blessing! It's the first room we set up in the new house. They both have had hard times transitioning to the new house, but this has been a constant for them and now they are even asking to go over there just for this room.

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4-27-20
We had to buy flowers. We couldn't stand it anymore. We headed to a local nursery and I let the kids pick whatever they wanted and I spent WAY too much, but I don't even care. While I was planting the first barrel, they both came out and did the second one. Theirs looks better. I'm discovering all sorts of hidden talents during this move.

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4-28-20
She always finds the coziest places to cuddle up with a book. I had half-packed this box of blankets, left to make lunch and came back to find her with a camp light, books and two pillows just making herself at home.

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4-29-20
Only one more night of sleep in the Leavenworth house. This doesn't mean that we are done packing and moving - we're moving the beds and a lot of the big stuff this weekend and then we have one more load of big stuff once the basement is completed. With EJ being essential, the kids still in school and daily packing/hauling, it's been chaotic. These early evening nature walks have kept me sane. I'm grateful that even though the grocery store trips are more stressful than usual, at least I'm not required to pull worms from the ground to feed my young.

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4-30-20
The thing about nature is, it can take me in with an overwhelming sky, vast and encompassing and reminding me how powerful and grand God's world is. Then it presents these beautiful surprises of life emerging in the spring, almost hidden in the thicket of the woods, reminding me that God notices and focuses on the smallest of details. What peace there is in that.

May

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5-1-20
Chair upgrades! They moved up from the spinny office chairs to the leather barstools. This is the last day of the empty house. Beds and couches and big TVs are on the way! We are sleeping here tonight.

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5-2-20
I woke up early, ready to organize the new kitchen. I went out back with Chief, sat on the deck and didn't make it back inside until well after sunrise. Good morning, new neighborhood!

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5-3-20
We looked at houses for about 6 months and didn't find any that fit. The night we found our house, we actually found TWO houses and had to make a pro/con list to decide. One was on its own, at the top of a hill one block from an historic town square. Then there was this one, wide open sky streaming in from the giant windows in a neighborhood packed with kids. It was the neighborhood feel that tipped the scales (okay, that light got me too). Our kids love people - as much as I wanted chickens, our kids needed to be surrounded with friends. So we signed the contract and a few days later the pandemic became the forefront of everything.

We move all the time and the best part is meeting the new people, exploring friendships and being excited about new relationships. Transitioning to this new home and not being able to hang with friends has been different ... different and hard. I'm thankful that the neighborhood developer took advantage of the natural surroundings, leaving trees and creating ponds and trails to explore. It's what will get us through until we are back to fire pits and playdates and community swimming pools.

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5-4-20
This ridiculous dog. She keeps me laughing, for sure, lounging and people watching, sitting like a human on the couch, while her dog bed goes unused by the window (because it's chilly by the window in the morning and Chief refuses to be cold or wet).

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5-5-20
I'm going to have to watch that the Gratitude Project doesn't become the window project, but we all are pretty grateful for these windows.

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5-6-20
You know those people in your life who have taught you all sorts of amazing lessons and you always intend to tell them thank you but then life happens, you forget, and you just go on being a better person because of their lessons but a worse person because you haven't thanked them? That stops here for my friend, Lisa.

I met Lisa over 30 years ago at student council leadership camp in Arkansas. We stayed in touch for a while after, but there was no social media back in the day and we just kind of drifted off into life until about 10 years ago. I think it was Facebook that brought us back together, and it was only one visit to her house in Dallas, but it set in place so many lessons. H was barely 2, I believe, and I just wanted to keep him in bubble wrap 24/7. Lisa's 9(?) year old daughter was cutting a watermelon in the kitchen with a giant knife and I remember both her and LIsa's confidence in that endeavor - I wondered if I could drop my guard enough to empower my kids to *ever* weild a knife. When H whittles in Scouts or when M cuts strawberries, I think of Lisa every time. During that visit, H was taking forever to get down the stairs and I remember Lisa saying something about how letting kids struggle to learn was the hardest parenting skill, but so important. (Little lessons now so the bigger ones have stepping stones.) It wasn't preachy or questioning my parenting style; it was just conversation from a genuine person and smart parent.

But beyond all of that, it's the kindness. From day one, making people feel seen. I imagine it's a big reason she ended up at leadership camp.

Yesterday, M posted a sweet tutorial about how to loop yarn through a small cut in fabric and Lisa made a bookmark using the steps and posted it for M to see. I wish I had been ready to document that look on Ms face. This is her typing back encouragement to Lisa for a job well done. Those little moments seem trivial, but they explode into huge life lessons built on example.

Thank you, Lisa, for the impact you've had on my life. It shouldn't take this project to express my gratitude, but I want to tell you I am very grateful for your lessons.

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5-7-20
I'm missing those colorful, textured Oklahoma sunrises. Until the earth shifts a bit, I won't get them unobstructed out my back windows, so I created my own on my dirty van door.

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5-8-20
I went on an early morning bird hunt before EJ went to work. He leaves early, so I was out before the sun came up ... and look at the moon!

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5-9-20
I miss church, especially worship. I feel closest to God 1)during worship and 2)when I am with birds. Since we can't go to church yet, I spent both mornings this weekend at the lake with the birds, cranking Grace Fellowship's recorded worship services from the past three weeks. I couldn't capture the true beauty of this moment, but I still wanted to record it.

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5-10-20
This weekend, EJ suggested I forget about moving and responsibilities and spend both weekend mornings at the lake with the birds and nature. To say, "he gets me," is a gross understatement, but I do want to acknowledge that he does and how important that "getting" is to my sanity.

The first morning, I came back and told the family how the place was covered in cedar waxwings (remember the elusive bird, the one that always comes to me in times of great need and lessons?). I mean, they were everywhere. I don't know that 500 would be an exaggeration. I went to the lake hoping to spot some new birds that I had never seen before, but these cedar waxwings were taking up all the branch space.

"It sounds like you weren't even excited about seeing them, Mom. That's your favorite bird, right?"

Ah, I see it now. There's never a waxwing (or 500) without a lesson.

With us going on week 10 of groundhog day and limited social interactions, these kids have been my daily companions. Day in, day out, we are together. Have they become my cedar waxwings? Am I becoming complacent? Am I missing their gifts, being less inclined to discover their new ones, missing out on these precious days because I'm so busy with moving and making sure online school gets completed? It's a mission, now, as I reminded myself to do with the waxwings when I returned to the lake, to slow down and discover/rediscover all the things.

Beauty and awe only escapes when we let it, when we stop seeing it, when we take it for granted, when we let busy take over and forget the priority list.

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5-11-20
I get ridiculously excited when I see a new bird in the backyard. I told my kids it's kind of like Pokemon, all these different species and types with all of their individual traits and personalities. "Uh, no, Mom, that's nothing like Pokemon."

Ok, well, I tried to relate. Go fix your own breakfast while I photograph this rose-breasted grosbeak.

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5-12-20
Bird Village is open for business! We've stocked up on grape jelly and oranges for the migrating orioles. They won't be here long so we are trying to see them as much as possible before they head north.

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5-13-20

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life.
“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil–he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you–and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

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5-14-20

I was taking pictures of a Great Blue Heron (YES, a GREAT BLUE HERON -- EEP!) and heard their laughter behind me. I have really been blessed with their relationship during this Great American COVID lockdown. They do bicker and as M says, "H is different - he's growing up." But they still play and laugh and make up stories together and love each other so much.

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5-15-20

I taught high school for several years, mostly seniors. This last quarter was always my favorite time. The stress of the big research paper was over, kids were starting to choose what they were doing after graduation and the reality of this all being over soon was just starting to kick in. That last quarter is pretty magical as those seniors shift from taking every day for granted to desperately trying to hold onto every last second with their friends and the traditions and the routine.

This pandemic is hard, but I try to focus on the positives and push the negatives away until I want to grab them for life lessons later on. But there have been a couple of times when the weight of what Is happening refused to be ignored - one was seeing nursing home residents celebrating birthdays through windows and another was this parade. As sweet as it was to see the entire community lining sidewalks to celebrate them, this isn't the way it's supposed to be. I couldn't push away the reality of what this is doing to our students and teachers. It went straight through my heart and into my gut and stayed there all afternoon.

So why include such a depressing moment in the project? When we get past this pandemic, I don't ever want to start taking the simple things lost for granted. When we have school plays and high fives and bleachers full of screaming fans, when we can see each other smile in grocery stores and visit family for birthdays and congratulate one another with giant squeezing hugs. I want to remember that we lost that, that even the smallest guestures of human bonds were taken away from us, and I want to remind myself to not take that for granted.

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5-16-20

I'm obsessed with this blue heron. It was difficult to pick one image to share because I love him so much. I chose this one because this is how I first witnessed him, flying past my windows to the ponds down the walking path, where I followed him and have spent the last three mornings.

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5-17-20

Although I'm sure momma robin has had enough, I can't get enough of these sweet babies.

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5-18-20

When we lived on post, we would throw the old apples out to the wildlife. We recently had a bunch of apples going bad and they bagged them up to bring over while we packed out. I will miss this little ritual Can't really throw old apples over our back fence here.

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5-19-20

I know, it's a lot of birds this month, but there are so many and I'm incredibly grateful for my morning walks around the neighborhood pond. Yesterday, there were so many cedar waxwings, their high pitched calls filled the air. I watched a giant pileated woodpecker almost clip a woman who was running the paths - she didn't flinch. The herons are still there every morning too. I do love the red wing blackbirds - I feel like they are hiding a colorful surprise in their wings and it makes me happy.

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5-20-20

I'm 100% ready for them to start making new friends, but I cherish these lazy late spring days, just the three of us, rock hunting & bird watching & "fishing" with cat tails under the bridge.

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5-21-20

I usually hear the birds before I see them. Sometimes I will hear a call I've never heard and get really excited - A NEW BIRD!!! And sometimes that call ends up being a cardinal because they have a bazillion calls. Once I find the bird from the call, I approach it differently depending on the bird - is it a bird that will let me get close (hummingbirds are pretty chill, woodpeckers are skittish), is it a bird whose flight I can predict (herons have an entire rev up before they finally take off), is it likely to have friends in the area (I've only seen a single waxwing one time, and they are so loud that it's impossible for them to sneak up on you). Sometimes I throw this all out of the window and screech its name because I'm so excited (pileated woodpecker) and scare it away.

At the end of the kids' Pokemon shows, they show a silhouette of a Pokemon with some clues and they are supposed to guess who it is. I try to tell my kids that birding is like that. So many categories and traits and colors and behaviors. Gotta catch 'em all! But they say there's no magic, that's the difference. I disagree.

I don't know this bird. I don't even remember taking the picture -- I may have just been testing the light. It looks like a warbler of some sort, but the beak is more orange than I would expect, but that could have been a trick of the sunrise. I see he's calling. If I could hear him, I might know. I think it's a new bird, though, one I haven't photographed before, and that makes my next morning walk that much more exciting.

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5-22-20

It's really too much. There are events that feel too big to put into words, that can't even begin to be summarized, wrapped up, quoted into how powerful they actually were. Maybe it's the extremes of it - I'm heartbroken for them, but I'm so proud. They did this year, this impossible year, with more grace and resiliency than a child should ever have to.

A 2nd grader shouldn't be experiencing a third unexplainable and sudden goodbye - it's too short a time for that much trauma and I pray that her walls aren't too tall and solid to break through over time.

A 6th grade boy desperately needs other 6th grade boys. It's hard enough dealing with all of these body and brain changes even when you see others dealing with it - but to go through it with your birdwatching mom and Pokemon marathon sister day in and day out - I mean, poor H.

And in the middle of figuring out online school and isolating from old friends, we moved our entire house, day by day, to our forever neighborhood full of new friends they weren't allowed to meet. I'm not saying there weren't fights and tears and misunderstandings, but the fact that they got up every day with smiles is impressive in itself. And I love how they leaned on one another to get through it.

But they went beyond. M learned to cope better, used her words more to acknowledge those walls, read more books & built more LEGOs when she was feeling sad instead of lashing out. H carried boxes and furniture that hurt my back, grew 3 inches and a mustache and is half way through training for a 10K with me.

Honestly, I just can't. I can't put this experience into words. I'm sad that our kids (all of our kids) were part of this pandemic and I hope the character building aspect trumps the trauma of it all. Mainly, I'm grateful that I love (and like) these kids so much because that was a lot of time with just the three of us.

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5-23-20

I take a lot of pictures of dandelions.

They are "the official flower of the military child ... why? The plant puts down roots almost anywhere, and it's almost impossible to destroy." As a parent of a military kid, I can't count the number of times I've read or heard how "resilient" our kids are, how they can blow here and there and put down roots anywhere and bloom. While it's true (a military neighborhood during PCS season is a master class on how to make new friends), all of us parents worry at some point if the end result is worth it. It's impossible not to question how the goodbyes and transitions and changes affect the overall makeup of our kids, how each seed drifting off stays with their hearts. I love that our kids are able to grab a new friend and start building box houses or trading Pokemon cards after a brief 5 minute introduction, but I do worry that they are saying goodbye to friends every 12-36 months.

We are finally staying put, in our semi-forever home for at least 10 years, and I'm grateful for this consistency for them. They've built a solid foundation of adapting and accepting, but I'm not naive to the fact that they have also built an expectation of short lived friendships. My hope for them is that they focus on that acceptance and adapting and funnel it into lifelong friendships in this new community.

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5-24-20

We slow moved for over a month, but it really doesn't matter how slow you go, the last few days are always hectic. We are 3 days away from clearing now. Some quarters cleaning and last minute moving, a little free garage sale for my block and we are ready to have one house again, our forever home.

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5-25-20

What I love about my morning walks around the pond is that there is always something new that takes my breath away. Sometimes it's a majestic heron or a surprise frog popping its head through the algae, sometimes it's a bunny that lets me get so close that the experience can't be captured with a telephoto lens and sometimes it's a missed focus photo of a bird on the water that feels like a surreal painting. It's only 20 minutes of my day, but it's a 20 minutes where I can be completely absorbed and captivated by nature.

We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aids, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn, which does not forsake us even in our soundest sleep. I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by a conscious endeavour. It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts.
― Henry David Thoreau, Walden

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5-26-20

Waiting on birds, getting lost in a flower...

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5-27-20

When I first started walking the pond, these geese were tiny little yellow things that wouldn't stray 2 steps from their momma (that's the mean one who always hisses at me).

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5-28-20

The thing about macro photography is it encourages me to look closer, to discover beauty that I hadn't noticed before. Many photographers call it "photography therapy" and it's because of how your mind resets when you are looking for the beauty in everything.

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5-29-20

One of the worst parts of the pandemic for H is missing Taekwondo classes, but the school has adapted. After many Zoom lessons, struggling to keep track of his uniform between the two houses, trying to find space amongst the boxes to kick & punch and dodging M as she bombed his online classes, H earned his green with black stripe belt during this social distancing parking lot belt ceremony! I love the celebration in his teachers’ faces - those are some amazing humans teaching him Taekwondo and life lessons.

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5-30-20

So she's riding her broom and he's doing forms with his, but I'll take it - at least they are helping! EJ is busting out these floors and these kids have been a tremendous help during this move. I'm hoping after this week that we can finally feel settled and moved in so we can relax and start enjoying this forever home.

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5-31-20

I found a new place to shoot yesterday and it's like a dream world. I kept feeling like I was in one of H's multi-level worlds he draws and talks about on our runs. There were bird calls from every corner, tree trunks shaped like dragon heads, wooden paths built into the woods over creeks and waterfalls and a perch where I could view it all. It was like Donkey Kong Country meets Narnia meets Wild Kingdom - surreal and amazing. Just as I was about to leave, I caught this guy watching me. Usually I'm the one hiding and stalking, so this just made the experience that much more storybook for me. Now I just can't wait to bring the kids. (Parkville Nature Sanctuary)

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6-1-20

We found some tennis courts in the new neighborhood and then some cheap rackets on FB marketplace. We don't take it super serious, but I can see H has a natural gift for it, so maybe I should focus more on building that talent than making him stop when I see a fun shadow.

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6-2-20

This picture is from Monday. I didn't take any pictures yesterday. It's not that I was unable to find gratitude throughout the day, but focusing on that was difficult. The day started with, "Why can't we go to the [very crowded] pool? Isn't the virus over? I see all those people on TV crowded in the streets?" And answers to those questions led to more hard questions about what led to the protests, where we are as a nation and how can we "fix" It from H - the kid always wants to fix things, and he's still innocent enough to think he can. We talked about when it's important to speak up and when it's best to stop talking and listen and we went through some challenging "lunch room scenario what-ifs" and how his example around friends can have a bigger ripple effect than he could imagine. He won't "fix" all of the problems, but he can initiate change one interaction at a time. And that's great - there's gratitude in that small thing, but the overwhelming brokenness of it all can make it feel too small.

I'm a recovering fixer too. I find myself wanting to get to the happy ending without going through the necessary pain to get there, even though every best things in my life show me that the most powerful positive endings require challenge and pain.

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6-3-20

I've been spending time with the kids, walking and experiencing the new neighborhood. One of my favorite things here are the bronze statues scattered throughout the paths. What I love about them, but what also guts me when I see them, is the innocence portrayed. The happy-go-lucky play and childhood naïveté. It feels so contradictory to what's happening right now, and it makes me pause and consider where we are headed.

Sometimes I'm good with words, but it's when the emotions are the biggest, when something deserves words the most, that I tend to lock up. My mother-in-law passed away last year. She was the most pure, good person I've known. My gratitude for what she poured into my husband, who she shaped him to be, is beyond measure. But I couldn't write anything about it at the time. It was too big, there was too much important to be said, and I was paralyzed by the fear that my words wouldn't do her justice.

That's similar to how I feel now. But maybe that's okay. Maybe words aren't the point at times like this.

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6-4-20

I took the kids to the magical woods.

You know when you see or do something wonderful and you are so excited to share it with someone special, but then you worry maybe it was only magical to you or that you built it up too much and the magic won't happen at all for them?

It started like that. M's tummy felt sick, it was humid hot and sticky and there were too many people around for magic. But we kept walking and we made it to the waterfall and people spread out and the kids started feeling it. They were sketching and taking pictures and talking about it like it felt to me. And then we turned down a path I hadn't seen when I was there and found this awesome swing hanging in the middle of the magic -- and it was an entirely new kind of magic. Like a weight had lifted - a weight of being confined and anxious and sad about the state of things .... they swung and laughed and ran and spun and it was gloriously freeing.

I'm so grateful to have this picture. I have no doubt I will return to it when I need this reminder of the magic, of the laughter, of the good.

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6-5-20

I've said many times that fear is the opposite of love. I think that was too harsh, too general. For me, fear tends to make me act without considering all sides, but that doesn't mean I've lost the love. In fact, it may be because I love something so much, that I fear losing something or missing something that I love that makes me react in a way that's less than loving.

I taught high school journalism for several years. Both the high school student/faculty/parent interactions and the journalism aspects taught me that it Is best to ask more questions, see more sides, find out the whole story before acting.

Every one has a story.

Every action has a story.

Even those people who seem so far from our point of view have a story. It's tempting to brush them off, to give up because they seem so far gone that it isn't worth it. And some people may be; there are evil people in the world, but I refuse to believe that is the majority and I refuse to jump to that conclusion right away. The questions and the stories, having a little more grace when we think people don't understand something and being willing to dialogue and listen - that's the path towards change. Too late? They've had their chance? Reading between the lines and assuming you know someone? That's not the path. Slow down. Look closely. Ask questions. See the layers, peel them away, be open to the story. Set aside the fear long enough to listen.

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6-6-20

The couch arrived. 10 boxes of sectional goodness! We can all stretch out on the couch at once. And that trailer back there? It's all unloaded. This is the week of the never ending move finally coming together as all of these boxes and furniture and decorations find their place. There's more pressure when it's the forever home.

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6-7-20

There's a nature preserve just across the street from our neighborhood. On my weekend morning trips, I pass it to drive to lakes and preserves miles away. This weekend, I stopped there. The first day, I had a choice at a fork in the path (tree lined path of prairies and bridges) and took the tree route. As I was almost at the end of the path, 4 different couples stopped me and asked what I was out shooting (no one ever talks to me when I am shooting, so this was odd) and I told them I was looking for birds. EVERY interaction led to them telling me to take the prairie path and there were tons of indigo buntings. It was too late in the morning once I turned around and walked back through the treed path, but I returned the next morning and I see why every person mentioned these prairies. There really were buntings everywhere - in the trees, on the thistle, hanging out on the path. I photographed many and I'm sure I'll be back to photograph many more, but this is one my favorites from the weekend.

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6-8-20

And.... scene. M is ready to go home.

Oh, this girl with the giant emotions. And, of course, giant emotions spread to the people in her environment. She fills us with great love, huge frustration, tender pauses of gratitude when she wants stillness combined with cuddles and scalp scratches, and then these, my favorite, the moments of silly laughter.

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6-9-20

The Peace of Wild Things
by Wendell Berry
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

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6-10-20

Everything Is Waiting for You
by David Whyte
Your great mistake is to act the drama
as if you were alone. As if life
were a progressive and cunning crime
with no witness to the tiny hidden
transgressions. To feel abandoned is to deny
the intimacy of your surroundings. Surely,
even you, at times, have felt the grand array;
the swelling presence, and the chorus, crowding
out your solo voice. You must note
the way the soap dish enables you,
or the window latch grants you freedom.
Alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity.
The stairs are your mentor of things
to come, the doors have always been there
to frighten you and invite you,
and the tiny speaker in the phone
is your dream-ladder to divinity.

Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into the
conversation. The kettle is singing
even as it pours you a drink, the cooking pots
have left their arrogant aloofness and
seen the good in you at last. All the birds
and creatures of the world are unutterably
themselves. Everything is waiting for you.

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6-11-20

A neighborhood pool & early riser kids so we can swim for a couple of hours with no crowds.... I foresee a lot of GoPro pictures going in the Gratitude Project this month!

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6-12-20

First day, she wouldn't get out of the shallow end. Second day, she was hesitantly dog paddling around the deeper end. Third day, she was jumping off the diving board. Fourth day, she was diving in from the side, practicing diving off the board, regularly touching the deep end of the pool and playing sharks and minnows type games with the big kids.

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6-13-20

It's no secret that I suffer from anxiety. It's the worst in the middle of the night, keeping me up for hours many times a month. I experience it sometimes during the day & evening, but never in the early morning. As much as I am a worrier, my faith makes me an optimist, and my optimism always takes over at the beginning of a new day. I can't watch a sunrise without feeling the promise of grace and resolution, without remembering that the darkest nights end with glorious sunrises.

I raise a hallelujah, with everything inside of me
I raise a hallelujah, I will watch the darkness flee
I raise a hallelujah, in the middle of the mystery
I raise a hallelujah, fear you lost your hold on me
I’m gonna sing, in the middle of the storm
Louder and louder, you’re gonna hear my praises roar
Up from the ashes, hope will arise
Death is defeated, the King is alive

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6-14-20

Weekend mornings, I usually leave the house super early and drive to a bird place (lakes, sanctuaries, parks, walking paths). Every time I'm out there, I see things and wish my kids could experience them with me, but I'm not real big on waking people up. Sunday morning, I stumbled downstairs around 5:45 to grab some coffee to wake up for my bird walk. I heard a noise and this sweet girl was all dressed and ready to join me. It was awesome sharing the rabbit & bird sightings with her, but it was even cooler how she found new places to show me to explore.

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6-15-20

She's all deep end all the time now. Look at those graceful hands!

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6-16-20

The time M stole the GoPro and challenged me to dive (I didn't think I remembered how to dive). I almost look graceful.

It's funny - I rarely see a picture of myself where at least one fist isn't clenched (or if my feet are visible, my toes are curled). Although I'm anxious, I don't feel like I'm that intense, but I wonder if I give off that vibe because of my body language.

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6-17-20

Mom - "Can you kids do something else besides staring at screens?"
Also Mom - "Oooooh, look at these giant comfy bean bags we got for the basement."
(In our defense, we also got a ping pong table)

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6-18-20

M went to a friend's house, so it was just the two of us at the pool. There were no other kids there, so H had only had his mom to play with. Tricks off the board! I even did a dive - OFF THE BOARD (big deal for me). H did lots of running and spinning - I'm not quite brave enough to run on the board yet, but he's encouraging me .

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6-19-20

It's becoming home now. Pictures up, new throw pillows, chilling on screens in the late afternoon and lots of big open windows. It's a good forever home.

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6-20-20

I don't usually wake people up (unless it's for school or work, and even then I feel awful stirring someone) but H wanted to go with me on my bird walk this morning so I shook him awake at 6:30. He said he still wanted to go but was very tired, but he quickly woke up and started talking for the entire walk. Bird photography usually requires a less chatty environment, but he just had so much to say. Minecraft, beyblade construction, secret worlds he's created complete with characters and magical settings and novel viruses. As he was chatting behind me as I took this picture, I was thinking maybe nature walks weren't really his thing. Is he even slowing down to notice the colors and textures and growth and miracles? And then he launched into this description about a new virus going around a new land he created - the wing virus. It's not actually dangerous like COVID. It just causes people and animals to sprout wings of different types. As he described the various wings, down to the location on the body to the sounds they make to the evolution depending on the creature, I realized he's more of a noticer than anyone I know. A lot of noticers keep their observations quiet, less talking and more studying. H notices and studies and shares with anyone who will listen. His brain is always going, always creating, always picking out details from his surroundings to add to his imagination to create his worlds of stories.

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6-21-20

Yesterday, my hands were entirely too filthy to pick up my camera, so here's a shot from my phone. I woke up before the sun and started digging and finished up just as EJ was pulling dinner off of that grill. I'm grateful we finally have the inside of the house put together so I can start work on the outside. My hands in the dirt almost the entire day .

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6-22-20

We debated holding out for a house with our own pool, but we settled on the fun of a neighborhood pool without the maintenance of having our own. Since my kids are early risers, we get there early and are often the ONLY people there, but with just enough other mornings of a kid or two sprinkled in so they don't have to spend time with just their mom all summer.

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6-23-20

As she plants, she talks about the lessons in the garden. "We have to pull this dead leaf - the plant will put all of its energy into trying to grow this instead of making flowers, right?" When she looks at a plant, she anticipates it instead of just noticing the obvious blooms. "Look, Mom, do you see all of these buds coming up! We are going to have 8 flowers soon!" She always asks for gloves, but she eventually ends up digging into the dirt bare handed.

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6-24-20

I don't plant flowers so I can photograph them, but I can't seem to resist grabbing my camera halfway through morning watering. There is so much peace in the garden, so many lessons and promises and everyday miracles. As with most things that fill me with big feelings, I have that need to document the moment so I can go back and relive it when I need it.

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6-25-20

M has always been a kind friend. She shares, she encourages, she laughs with friends and makes them laugh back, she's willing to create the fun or join in someone else's idea. There was a time when she also went ALL IN with friends, playing all day, every day with the same friends and building special bonds. But saying goodbye to so many close friends caused her to put up barriers. She would play a bit, but she wouldn't open up and ask for playdates or spend more than a couple days in a row with the same friend.

I love this house and community, but the stability it has given M to drop some of those barriers is one of the greatest blessings in this move. And an even greater blessing that it's happening with this sweet family friend (who just happens to be a 5 minute walk away!).

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6-26-20

I'm almost halfway through this project and I just really miss my mom. Getting half way through means we haven't seen her in over 6 months. That's 6 months of missing her birthday, Poppy's birthday, both the kids' birthdays, H growing 6 inches, a new house with a room built for her (don't tell the other guests - the kids want to hang a big G in the room and say it means, GUEST, but it really means, GRAMMY), and planting a new season's flowers. I don't remember a summer where my mom wasn't here to see the new flowers. You know those events that don't seem complete until you share them with a certain person? That's the flowers and Grammy - I Facetime her when I buy new ones. And it makes me happy to be able to share at all, but it also makes me incredibly sad. There is still gratitude, gratitude in the fact that she is the reason I can find light even in the darkest times. Little Susie Sunshine, always finding the bright side, even when I was growling and rolling my eyes that NOT EVERYTHING has a bright side. But, here I am, an almost 50 year old woman filled full of her examples, who can't help but search for the positive, trying to find the lessons, believing that all bad happens for a reason and that flowers can't grow without the spring storms. I'm going to keep planting and watering and listening to the lessons of the garden .... and hoping that we will get to visit to see each others' flowers before fall.

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6-27-20

This looks like a bad thing - my kids all up on screens on a nature walk - but it's actually Pokemon Go and it's been an amazing addition to their apps. We haven't walked this much in weeks! And they finally paused long enough for me to capture some birds and insects along the trail.

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6-28-20

I was having a glum evening, just all the everything that's happening right now and then this frog showed up, smiled real big and reminded me how much wonderful is also in the world right now.

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6-29-20

The only way I know it's the weekend is seeing EJ on the couch instead of getting ready for work. I'm not complaining - we're nestled right in the middle of birdville, so I get to fill much of my day with my favorite pasttime. Although the Dickcissel is one of the most abundant birds in KS, I never saw them until we moved across the bridge to MO.

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6-30-20

"Hey, M, put on clothes for a hike. And make sure you wear closed-toe shoes."