The Gratitude Project (part 1)
I wonder, had I known what was in store for 2020, would I have started this project? As it ends, I see the benefit. I realize how the reflections helped me survive it. But I don't know that I would have signed up for a Gratitude Project knowing we were about to endure what this year threw at us.
But that's the thing, isn't it? We can't choose what we live. We can only choose what we give to it and, eventually, hopefully, the lessons we take away from it.
The 2020 Gratitude Project
During past 365 projects, somewhere in the middle of the year, I found myself losing the purpose, getting overwhelmed by the scale of it and worrying about daily images “not being good enough.” I’m hoping this year will be different as I work to change the the way I think about documenting our life. Some amazing sermon series, several life experiences and a few books and people placed in my path at just the right time are starting to shift my photography brain. As I complete this 365 (well, 366), I’m working to focus on the following: – There is no room for self doubt or insecurity. This project isn’t about proving a talent or perfecting a skill. This project focuses on noticing, on being aware of the blessings placed in front of me and capturing them, and on being grateful for the gift of seeing. Comparing or measuring my technique places the focus on me, and the goal is to focus on the blessings.
Grant me daily the grace of gratitude, to be thankful for all my many gifts, and so be freed from artificial needs, that I might lead a joyful, simple life. -Henri Nouwen –
I will trust in the process, not chasing opportunities or panicking that the day will not produce an image. This is simply a documentation of my life and the things for which I am grateful. This project isn’t about searching for the best light or hunting down the most engaging lines or building more connected interactions – this project is about noticing those things and then gratefully documenting them. I do hope that the project fine tunes my eye and polishes my story presentation, but that’s not the ultimate goal.
If we really want to be full and generous in spirit, we have no choice but to trust at some level. – Rita Dove –
These daily scenes and my gift of photography come from God. I don’t have anyone to impress or compete with during this journey. It’s an exercise in appreciation for this world and for the gift with which I was blessed. Competition results in one of two outcomes – I am better than someone else or someone else is better than me, and neither of those conclusions are healthy or accurate.
Gratitude is not a passive response to something given to us, gratitude is being awake in the presence of everything that lives within and without us. -David Whyte –
This project will hopefully lead to learning new techniques and seeing in a new way, but I will be open to whatever is placed in my path. I will not be completely passive in this journey. I have ideas of techniques I want to learn and activities I hope to capture, but I will be flexible in my expectations. If my life has taught me anything, it’s that the alternate ending can be way more beautiful than Plan A.
Never be so focused on what you’re looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find. – Ann Patchett
So it begins – the 2020 Gratitude Project. If you are creating your own gratitude project, please share a link so I can follow. As much as I hope to stay true to my goals, I know how days can get busy or negative, and sharing in others’ gratitude fills my own gratitude tank! At times, our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. – Albert Schweitzer Should I slip back into emotions that keep me from shooting, I am leaving this here as my reminder that there is only one way for me to successfully complete this project – focusing on gratitude.
January
Gratitude project 1/366
1-1-20
He’s at that age where kids start to put up guards. It becomes less accepted to be amazed, to laugh, to be impressed by things. So far, he’s still my imaginative son, my noticer, my optimistic experimenter open to all the laughter and new ideas. Maybe he’s one who stays here, who is willing to think outside the box even as the voices say to conform. I do hope so ... those are the ones who change the world.
Gratitude project 2/366
1-2-20
Out house hunting, we found ourselves on some winding back roads. This kid from the back, "can you roll down the window, I don't feel so great." 30 seconds later, he's like this, drinking in all the joy an 11-year-old can. I let myself get stressed out with this house hunt, concerned about finding the right location, the right floor plan, the right neighbors -- it's just all so much. This kid doesn't get it. "Calm down, Mom, we've moved so many times and, every time, you love where we live. You will find what to love in the new place." And, you know, he's right. He's the eternal optimist, and my worry-prone self is grateful to have his positive perspective in my life.
Gratitude project 3/366
1-3-20
This wasn't the picture I had planned. I walked out there with the intention of getting a portait of them through the window. I know better. There's a reason I don't have many pictures of them looking at the camera. But, really, this represents them better anyway. They've both had life experiences that could cause them to love conditionally, tentatively. But they don't do that with one another - they are all in, whole heart, forever. (I'm not saying they don't pick on one another and fight sometimes, but that's all out of love . )
Gratitude project 4/366
1-4-20
We were playing mini golf as a family, and she was holes ahead of us. I was rushing behind her, camera in hand, half playing golf, but mostly firing off shots for my photo of the day. Definitely not in any moment other than frenzy. Then she slowed down in awe of this glowing bush. Four days into this project, and I realize I'm already heading down a road of losing my purpose. My 365 goal is to notice what brings me gratitude. Here I was rushing and chasing and shooting and then, as often happens, my kids come through with the lesson. SLOW. DOWN. Really notice. Stop and explore what you are noticing. Gratitude requires patience. Gratitude requires reflection and a pause to give thanks. Gratitude takes time. SLOW. DOWN.
Gratitude project 5/366
1-5-20
I joke that she looks at a situation and ponders, "hmm, what is the most dangerous way to accomplish this?" She has that perfectly shaped climbing side but chooses to build a step on the sheer side AND THEN use the climbing step as a launching pad. Being a safety pup mom to a danger kitty child can be trying, but I will say that her risky choices have made me a better person, braver & calmer and more willing to choose the adventurous routes (although there are days when I wish we wore helmets 24/7).
Gratitude project 6/366
1-6-20
It's a blessing that they attend a school that results in these smiles at the end of every day.
Gratitude project 7/366
1/7/20
If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if a blade of grass springing up in the fields has power to move you, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive. - Eleonora Duse
Gratitude Project 8/366
1-8-20
I knew I wanted to complete another 365 project, but I also knew it needed a direction. I had kicked around some ideas, more technique and subject based, but none of those felt right. One afternoon in early December, I was waiting in line at a TJ Maxx and this little book caught my eye. I flipped through it as I waited and it was instantly clear the direction the project would head. The introduction alone inspired me to look through more grateful eyes, and then the quotes and reflection activities that followed sealed the deal. Alongside Crash the Chatterbox (which I think everyone should read, especially those in creative fields), this book has set the stage for a year of gratitude through photographs. My images might not look that different to others, but my heart feels the difference.
Gratitude project 9/366
1-9-20
Most bird photographers get excited in the spring. The migration back north and mating season mean a variety of birds and more of them. But I don't photograph birds because I'm a bird photographer. I photograph birds because it brings me closer to God. Sometimes in grief, sometimes in celebration, but always in faith that He will provide what I need even when I don't know what I need. And my season is winter. There aren't as many birds, so the pace is slower and there is a lot of sitting and having faith that the birds WILL show up eventually. And that's what I do, but as I sit and wait, I pray and worship and praise and remember sitting with the birds 6 years ago, the birds that carried me through one of the most difficult times of my life. After Addie's hearing, I was devastatingly sad - for a brief moment, I thought for sure this was breaking me, but EJ assured me as he folded his hands around mine and prayed me through it, that there was a plan. Most days between the time we lost Addie and the day we met Mila, I sat outside and waited for birds. Some days it was bitterly cold, but I still sat and waited and trusted the birds would come. And they did, with all the emotions I needed when I needed them - humor, faith, awe, companionship. I was still very sad, but I didn't doubt. I knew it was a journey I was meant to take, that I needed to push through and trust. Even though the waiting was long and cold and hard, it was never alone. Those birds would land next to me and I swear they were connecting with me, looking right in my eyes and confirming that it would be okay.
....Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders...my soul will rest in Your embrace ... where feet may fail and fear surrounds me,
You've never failed and You won't start now...
Which brings me to the present. I heard there were some eagles out at Smithville Lake, so I headed out there to see. I don't know anything about the area, so I just located it on a map and drove to a dam. And I sat and waited, just me and one fisherman and no eagles. Then in came all of these glorious gulls, diving and dancing and looking right at me as they turned in the sky. When that eye contact happened before, I remember those overwhelming emotions of faith mixed with sadness and a resolution to endure, but today it was straight gratitude.
I raise a hallelujah, with everything inside of me ... up from the ashes, hope will arise...
As I started to leave, the fisherman took off his headphones and pointed at some trees across the lake to tell me there were 3 huge eagles there two days ago. I had forgotten I had come for the eagles.
.... and Hallelujah, You have saved me,
so much better Your way ....
Gratitude project 10/366
1-10-20
Give these kids an empty box and you'll find yourself in the middle of an "If you Give a Mouse a Cookie" storyline. 1 project turned into 4 .... duct tape, electrical tape, shiny reflective tape, a sharpie, string from the sewing drawer, scrolls from his art collection and 45 minutes later, we have ANOTHER koala and an art storage case.
Gratitude project 11/366
1-11-20
One of my favorite things about snow is how it causes all of the birds to flock to our feeders. I'll start washing dishes and then realize, 5 minutes later, the water is still on and I'm caught up watching bird performances through the kitchen window.
Gratitude project 12/366
1-12-20
Here's the thing - she is stubborn. Like make you grit your teeth and wait stubborn because the only way to get through a tantrum or disagreement or walk up a hill with her is to wait it out and then try to discuss things after the incident (because I promise NOBODY is changing her mind once it's made up). And for this I AM grateful. She has made me more patient, more willing to consider "the other side" before I get frustrated. Maybe the other way is the right way if I reconsider my stance. She's made me look at others through a lens of empathy, trying to understand motivations and experiences and possible trauma before making assumptions. And she's made ME more stubborn, more willing to stand up for what I believe in even if it ruffles some feathers. I know this trait will serve her well in many situations. It's difficult being the mom of a stubborn 7 year old, but it's also a beautiful gift viewed through a lens of gratitude.
Gratitude project 13/366
1-13-20
I started down this road determined to get a ton of pictures of birds and trees and that peaceful hushed feeling that snow brings. But then I parked on the side of the road and watched and listened to the birds, louder and more visible because of the snow, and I forgot to take the pictures. I took it all in, though. It was not a lost trip.
Gratitude project 14/366
1-14-20
I finally took a substitute job. I completed the paperwork well before Thanksgiving, but I just kept putting it off. There was always "something to do," and, if I'm being honest, I worried how a high school teacher would handle an elementary classroom. So I finally made myself click ACCEPT and headed in. This was the view out of the classroom window when I got there ... the calm before the storm, I thought. But then there was no storm. Because these were sweet 2nd graders (who still love substitutes) with a fantastic teacher (who also clearly loves substitutes based on the way she prepped her rooms and kids for me) at a wonderful school.
Gratitude project 15/366
1-15-20
A little Bob Ross before the bus comes.
Gratitude project 16/366
1-16-20
I got yelled at while taking pictures around Smithville Lake. As I started to walk away from my car, a man yelled over, "you can't walk over there or they [the eagles] will fly away." I told him I just wanted to walk and enjoy the water's edge and it was okay. "Oh, so I guess it just doesn't matter if anyone else gets pictures of the eagles then?!?" and an eye roll as he lifts a camera into view. I didn't even know the guy was taking pictures. He had been inside his truck for over a half hour while I was on the other side of the dam taking pictures on the trail. I got back in my car and drove to another park (we were clearly on completely different missions) and saw these beautiful floating ice sculptures all along the water's edge.
Gratitude Project 17/366
1-17-20
H has been on a flat lay kick lately. He loves finding pictures from above and editing them on his phone.
Frozen Blue Jay treats - flat lay shot inspired by H.
Gratitude Project 18/366
1-18-20
Ugh, this house hunting thing is hard, especially when you are quite happy where you already are and you aren't 100% sure which area is the right one for your family. I know we will know when we know, and I also know this is the very best thing for our family in the long run. I need to work on my patience and focus on what a blessing it is to have an awesome Realtor and a flexible timeline.
We would appreciate prayers for the right house and for us knowing it's the right house when we see it.
Gratitude Project 19/366
1-19-20
This was our afternoon. These kids saw us glued to our screen and took full advantage of our lazy parenting. GO CHIEFS!!!!
Gratitude Project 20/366
1-20-20
Yesterday felt frantic - surprise snow storm when we had driving appointments all morning, looking at houses again, an afternoon of video games and laser tag at Main Event. When we got home, I was watching for birds out the back door at sunset and there was this cool texture and colors on the back door and the gratitude centered me, reminded me that our emotions follow what we focus upon. There is plenty of stress and worry and fretting, but there is also reflection and daily miracles and blessings. I'm thinking gratitude might be the best therapy for anxiety.
Gratitude Project 21/366
1-21-20
There are grander, flashier birds, but the tufted titmouse is probably my favorite. Look at that fun crest and the secret flash of orange under his wing. And they have the sweetest little song.
Gratitude Project 22/366
1-22-20
H's class is doing a Titanic unit. At the beginning of the unit, they drew a character, complete with class, occupation and name. Today, they had a surprise tea party where parents brought fancy foods (and not fancy for 3rd class -- think pickles and cheese balls) and served them. Students were encouraged to dress their part, and almost every one of them did. 6th grade is still elementary here, and I've struggled wondering if that will hurt H as he transitions to a middle school next year. Watching this event, him still being allowed to be a kid with a classroom of other students still open to imagination and letting guards down, made me see it very clearly. He will adjust, transition, grow up (so fast) but this one more year to be allowed to be an elementary kid - this is a blessing.
Gratitude Project 23/366
1-23-20
M didn't come in from the bus, so I walked out to see what was keeping her and found this. One little pile of snow was left on the driveway and she spent 20 minutes lovingly building this sweet mini snowman. (Lucky for her, it snowed overnight and there's no school today!)
Gratitude Project 24/366
1-24-20
Oh, that glorious age where chores still seem like play!
Gratitude Project 25/366
1-25-20
Today I focus my gratitude on the power of the military community. It is THE thing I will miss when we move off post, not just for big events like this but for the meal trains, fire pits, car pools, cups of coffee walked down the street at 6am on moving day and every other time hands reached out to help, hug, heal and hold even before the need was voiced.
Every year, the Fort Leavenworth community comes together to participate in the National Wreaths Across America Day and every year we've been here, we've had a conflict on the morning of the wreath laying. This year, we were able to participate in the wreath retirement event. When you drive up and see the hundreds of wreaths, you think, "wow, what an overwhelming task." And it really is - it's a task that could take hours. But not on Fort Leavenworth. This community came together to complete the task in just under an hour - swarms of wreath carriers, truck drivers, transporters and organizers from 4-80 worked together to retire the wreaths.
Gratitude Project 26/366
1-26-20
M woke up early and it was just the two of us for about an hour. A red bellied woodpecker landed on the deck, but we were in the middle of an intense game of Mastermind, so I didn't get a picture. She wanted to make sure the others got to see the bird too, so she made her own picture
Gratitude Project 27/366
1-27-20
We had an old family friend over for dinner last night and talk circled around to how awesome EJ is. He's used to it - the topic isn't a rare one for those who are lucky enough to get to know him.
Here is a visual Illustration of one of the many reasons we love EJ. While shoveling the drive, he took the time to gently lift and transport M's baby snowman over by the big snowman so none of the plows or additional weather would disturb it.
Gratitude Project 28/366
1-28-20
I brought the camera to Taekwondo. I thought today's picture would be of one of my kids kicking, punching or breaking a board, but when I looked through the roll, H in the left corner caught my eye and brought me to tears. I have never been around someone who is so unapologetically and genuinely happy for other people's successes. I'm not saying he's not competitive (get him in the gaga ball pit or around a game of Sorry and some different emotions bubble up), but he isn't afraid to enthusiastically celebrate others. And it certainly helps that this school is led by people who are just as enthusiastic with their celebrations!
Gratitude Project 29/366
1-29-20
I probably spend too much time staring out my back window, but this is what greeted me out there yesterday. The greatest gratitude is that I wasn't below him when he decided to poop - have you ever seen a hawk poop? It was one of the more disguting things I've ever witnessed (and you can be grateful I'm not sharing any of those pictures here)
Gratitude Project 30/366
1-30-20
We have this running joke in our house where we sing, "You're Gonna Miss This" when the kids or parents do one of those annoying kid or parent things. When I kiss H in front of his friends at the bus stop, when one of them calls me back for the 4th time to tell me ANOTHER story before bed, when they ask 10 minutes before bedtime if this can be a “Family Game Night,” when they are cackle laughing at one another instead of putting up the dishwasher .... those moments that make us roll our eyes in frustration, but in the same moment, we know we are going to miss.
Like this moment.
As I walked in to turn out his lights, I tripped over a shoe blocking the threshold into this scene. UGH - pick up your stuff!!! But then I pictured him sliding his dad's childhood comics out of the sleeves, lining them up, comparing the stories, creating his own stories built off of those stories, knowing I will hear many of them the following morning. His crazy imagination, his love of nostalgia, his unapologetic belief that good wins over evil - I don't know if (and when) that somewhat naively optimistic soul will be tarnished by age. How many more nights and mornings do I have with him still wanting to call me back in for a story or hunting me down to recall his dreams or tell me about a new invention / storyline / project he thought about overnight?
Talk about the real UGH!
"You're gonna miss this... you're gonna want this back .... you're gonna wish these days ... hadn't gone by so fast .... these are some good times .... so take a good look around .... you might not know it now, but you're gonna miss this...."
February
Gratitude Project 31/366
1-31-20
It's been dreary, like zero sun appearances, for several days and this gorgeous sky was the perfect closure for month one of the gratitude project. For past 365 projects, my overall goal was to improve my work and that kind of sucked the joy right out of the project. The 2020 double meaning is not lost on me here - this is a new way of seeing and looking at things. This new direction of focusing on noticing and documenting the daily miracles, making pictures while this internal dialogue of gratitude plays in my head, has infused all the joy right back in. I may not be making *better* pictures, but the moments are having a much greater impact.
Gratitude Project 32/366
2-1-20
sunrise/sunset
The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they reveal knowledge. They have no speech, they use no words; no sound is heard from them. Yet their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world. In the heavens God has pitched a tent for the sun. It is like a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, like a champion rejoicing to run his course. It rises at one end of the heavens and makes its circuit to the other; nothing is deprived of its warmth. - Psalms 19:1-6 NIV
Gratitude Project 33/366
2-2-20
His goals in life are to become a genetic scientist, to cure Alzheimer's and to discover the missing link that makes time travel possible. With his imagination, I think he's well on his way to conquering these things that seem impossible.
Gratitude Project 34/366
2-3-20
Found Kookoo in the window where M placed her to watch the birds.
Gratitude Project 35/366
2-4-20
It does feel a little rude how these kids are always ignoring me, but I let it slide when there's a book involved. I’m grateful that, in between the screen time requests, they also love reading.
Gratitude Project 36/366
2-5-20
I took a bunch of pictures of cool, new birds, and I almost shared one of those, but then I remembered that the point of the project isn't pretty pictures but finding gratitude in new or unexpected places.
So here is the family watching the Chief's parade, M on my lap, H cuddling with Chief on the couch. We spent the day watching a team falling over itself to shift attention off individual accomplishments to give one another (and their fans and their coach) credit for this successful season. What a blessing to live in this town at this time so my kids get to be immersed in this celebration wrapped up in unity, pride, humility and grace. It's not really about the football .... to anyone around here, at least (although the football is good - mind blowing, “how’d he do that?!?” good). We've all fallen in love with the spirit of this team.
Gratitude Project 37/366
2-6-20
Substituting at the kids' school always makes me fall in love with it even more. They've somehow figured out what all the other schools we've been in couldn't seem to - they truly nurture the WHOLE kid. They have programs that build self-confidence through discovering individual gifts while also stressing the importance of community and leaning on/building up others. They've got academics covered with innovative lessons encompassing multiple learning styles and abilities - walk the school and you see kids scattered through rooms and halls, at tables and on the floor, working with volunteers and special education teachers and other students to find that spark to light the fire that ignites the passion for learning in these important early years. And the Specials - this is what made me yearn to be back here after we left 5 years ago. Science labs with real world hands-on connections, music classes with innovative lessons that push the limits, crazy cool physical education games and my favorite (and what I missed the very most) ART CLASS!
This is not your run-of-the-mill elementary art class - I could tell that just from the pieces the kids brought home in their backpacks. But this year, the art teacher put out a call for volunteers and I jumped on it. It's one of my favorite parts of the week - watching the teacher deliver those lessons covering history, celebrating the artist, providing the technique and then encouraging the students as they create their "masterpiece" creations makes my heart sing for what she is building in them. I love being alone in the halls with a stack full of an assignment and getting to see each kids' interpretation as I hang them one by one. In my head, I'm silently cheering for their individual voices, for them being encouraged to take an idea and make it their own. And I am inspired to do that for myself. "Be like a child, Mel," I think every Monday as I view these little artists' creations. "Don't let the other voices change yours."
Gratitude Project 38/366
2-7-20
I snapped this right before they left for school because it made me smile - this is so M. I didn't intend for it to be today's photo, but then the day got away from me and I didn't take pictures, which ended up being a blessing as I got to sit with this one and reflect on her ways.
I'll admit, this putting everything in order can get frustrating, especially when it's not the order I want or when it's a box full of bandaids on her legs. Oh, and don't even THINK about giving her one of those yellow bowls, or any yellow items - she will flat out refuse all things yellow ... and be fairly angry at you for the gall.
But let me tell you who you want around if you've lost your keys (which I'm prone to do, regularly). This girl knows exactly where she last saw those! And puzzles? This is the one you want helping with puzzles. Board games? NOT the opponent you want, especially if you don't like losing Ticket to Ride, dominoes, or Master Mind. Her fashion is on point because she's able to see pattern and color combinations that no one else can until she's put it all together. And her sweet memory about things I had forgotten I told her - "Mom, you just did like Great Grandma putting that jelly spoon in the peanut butter." Thank goodness she'll never have to rely on me for math homework - she memorized her multiplication tables in kindergarten.
And there's just something refreshing about someone who knows exactly what they want and isn't afraid to demand it. My goal here is to guide her through the challenging incidents without breaking her spirit, to try and focus on the inspiration of her ways rather than the frustrations and to remind myself that I need to focus on the immediate joy of any organization project I accomplish around the house because she's likely to come right behind me and reorganize it her way.
Gratitude Project 39/366
2-8-20
Even with 28° weather and it being an early 9:30 on a Saturday morning, we had over 20 kids out playing Club Gaga Ball. What a blessing for my kiddo (and me) to be able to enjoy this kind of fellowship with an amazing group of kids.
Gratitude Project 40/366
2-9-20
So, I'm all cuddled up in the warm bed falling asleep watching the end of the Academy Awards.
EJ - "The moon is really cool out there right now."
Mel - "I'm not getting out of bed to take a picture of the moon."
EJ - "Okay, but it is REALLY cool."
Mel - "Ugh. Okay, I'm coming."
Mel - "WOOOOOOOW!"
I love how he gently encourages me to do the things that make me slightly uncomfortable if he knows I will benefit from them.
Gratitude Project 41/366
2-10-20
This ridiculous dog. It's kind of a miracle I love her as much as I do considering her puppyhood. She ate every plant, expensive fashion accessory and morsel of food she could manage to reach. We had to create a restraint system when people entered the house because she was a jumper. I remember when she was all drugged up from being spayed and I was so thankful for a quiet afternoon. She still jumps on all the furniture (to include tables), but she sits like a human and cracks us up, so she gets away with it. She thinks she's still puppy size, curling up in the smallest spaces possible, to include right in our laps or under our arms as we sleep (yes, she's allowed in the bed). We're home alone most days and we just do our own thing, me computering or cleaning while she sleeps or asks to go in and out the door over and over, but if I EVER need a cuddle, she is right there ready. And she always finds the best light! She's grown out of most of the annoying puppy traits, but she still eats anything she can reach. I know, one day, I will miss even that. This Chief, she's a good dog.
Gratitude Project 42/366
2-11-20
The first slide in my Making It Click workshop says, "take more pictures." You want to get better at photography, you shoot more. In my one-on-one mentoring, we focus on not only shooting more but shooting what you love. If you don't really have a passion for flowers (or weddings or babies or animals or whatever) that will come through in the images. That passion, that love for the thing you are photographing, is the little extra that can push the images from good to special. And so it seems it is with gratitude. Want to feel more gratitude? Be more grateful. And then that gratitude starts coming through you, making all the days go from good to something special.
So how does that connect to this picture? M doesn't pose for the camera. I've given up even trying because it usually ends in glares and growls. But since this project has kicked off, I've noticed a shift in her attitude towards the camera. I've been to enough therapy to know that this has something to do with my attitude behind the camera. I'm not asking her to look at the camera more - I'm just shooting how I normally do, but thinking about the things that make me grateful while I shoot. I'm guessing that makes my photography more pleasant to be around. I'm guessing that makes me more pleasant to be around - a grateful person is more pleasant than an ungrateful one. In any event, I love this sweet smile on this happy girl.
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2-12-20
One of the requirements for our forever home is a window over the kitchen sink so I can watch the birds.
And if you're curious, also on my list (we all have a list, but these are my hopes) - lots of bathrooms (preferably not near the kitchen and all of the toilets in separate rooms & no carpet LOL), a flat yard, sunrise or sunset view, some type of enclosed office space where I can plaster the walls with inspiration and edit without being in the middle of the living area ... and bright with good light. Hopefully we also end up with a covered porch, cul-de-sac, great neighbors with kids the same age as ours and a backyard pool. But the birds and bathrooms are non-negotiable.
Gratitude Project 44/366
2-13-20
The gratitude project isn't about showing how I see everything as positive and find gratitude in everything around me - it's a project to *encourage* me to see the positive side of situations and to find gratitude wherever I can. If I was naturally doing this, I probably wouldn't be doing a year long project focused on gratitude. Even though I am generally a glass half-full kind of person, my brain is prone to wander to the what-ifs and shoulda-dones if I don't keep it focused on something else. There is daily (and nightly) anxiety - sometimes I can pinpoint a reason but, many times, it just holds a place in my gut with no explanation. Editing these pictures in the morning (or during middle of the night insomnia sessions), focusing on the thankfulness, helps unwind my stomach and my brain. Writing about the gratefulness centers me at least for the next few hours, occupies my mind with the positive and the good. I need this so much and then I share it so it sticks - for myself, but if anyone else takes a bit of it and improves his/her own day, fantastic! But I'm not here creating a project that highlights a perfect world or a person who has it all figured out. Kind of the opposite, really. I'm forcing myself to notice the good light, to find the beauty in the ordinary & temporary, to appreciate this life and talent with which I have been blessed and, eventually, I hope it takes over as habit.
Gratitude Project 45/366
2-14-20
I spent much of the day waiting for the late FedEx guy to deliver my 100-400 lens to evaluate. When I finally had it in my hands in the late afternoon, I drove all around post looking for birds who wanted portraits taken. Nothing. Too cold or late or something. So I came back home and found my sweet Baby Blue (yes, we name them) working so hard to get a peanut out of the peanut ring - and captured his success just before he flew away! I'm off to the lake early Saturday morning, hoping to get the most out of this lens - wish me luck!
Gratitude Project 46/366
2-15-20
Just some gratitude ramblings
So, I got the new bird lens. And I saw 3 birds I've never seen before - a Northern Flicker, a Red-headed Woodpecker and an Eastern Meadowlark (also some Bald Eagles, several Red-bellied Woodpeckers and a cool crane)! I didn't get any pictures I'm super excited about, but it was a very rewarding bird sighting day.
This lens is a real disappointment - slow to focus and maybe even an overall focusing issue with noisy, soft images even at high shutter speeds (although user error has not been ruled out). I found myself swapping out and using my trusty 70-200 most of the day. New equipment is overrated - sometimes we need to just appreciate what we already have ... rock what we got.
I visited two birding hubs and H joined me to the second one. I'm not sure he really wanted to go, but I think he knew I would love having him there (with tweens, that empathy companionship is something to be celebrated).
Bird photography is a bit like golf - you have to be quiet during the most exciting parts and *almost* getting the shot is not good enough. And the thing is, this guy still really wants to talk with me. So we walked this trail and talked about Minecraft and favorite foods and gasped way too loudly at birds and we laughed a lot. At one point, he walked ahead and said he would give me some quiet so I could capture the birds. I walked around for a few minutes then came around the corner and saw him sitting here on this bench and my heart just ached with gratitude. I really don't like Minecraft (at all), but all I wanted in that moment was to hear his voice talking about anything.
He'll be 11 for 3 more weeks.
Gratitude Project 47/366
2-16-20
This one is hard to explain without going through a lot of explanation from the past six years. And it's not all my story to tell. But I know I need this picture in my gratitude book. That look. I don't take that look for granted. That breaking through all the distractions and sorting through the chaos and confusion, locking onto one another, confident In this mutual connection that encompasses support and trust and understanding and so much love.
Gratitude Project 48/366
2-17-20
We took part in the Great Backyard Bird Count. Hansen asked why we would travel to a lake when we have so many birds in our own backyard, but he still came along. He downloaded the Merlin app on his phone, so he had all the pictures and calls to help identify the birds. We probably saw 40 red-headed woodpeckers, which was super exciting, but I was on the hunt for a pileated and a downy woodpecker. At this path, H started walking pretty far ahead of me and thought he was getting bored, but when I heard the loud call of a pileated woodpecker, I realized he had moved ahead so he could hide and play the call from his phone. What I wish I had a picture of is the look on his face when I saw him crouched behind a tree playing the sounds, waiting to see my face when I realized it was him. This kid.
Gratitude Project 49/366
2-18-20
People have claimed I'm not a morning person. It's not that. I love mornings, even 5am (or sometimes 2am) early mornings, but I love them alone. It's my reflection time, my time in my own head: reflecting, editing, praying, writing, centering myself for the day. If I encounter someone during this time, I may seem like I'm not a morning person, but it's just that I know if I don't get through that process, I will be unprepared for the day.
Gratitude Project 50/366
2-19-20
It was one of those rushed days, activities overlapping, a lot of hurry up and wait between drop offs and pick ups. Our final stop was passing time while watching H's sword class.
As we waited, we cuddled and laughed and played the drawing game (using our fingers to draw pictures on each other and guessing the pictures). We usually do it on backs, but being in public, we stuck to cheeks.
Me - (draws two curves facing each other to make a heart)
M - HEART!
Me - (draws intersecting triangles to create a star )
M - STAR!
Me - (draws a circle)
M - CIRCLE!
Me - (draws circle with lines around it to create a happy face )
M - SURPRISED CIRCLE!
I mean, this life. This is such a blessed life.
Gratitude Project 51/366
2-20-20
So that bum bird lens I got is on its way back to Canon and they sent me a new one. I got it around 11 and then immediately had to report for a PM substitute job. As soon as I got home, I couldn't wait to see if this one worked, so I stalked the deck birds. They were pretty thin because the combination of it being really cold this week and EJ being out of town led to the bird feeders getting a little low. I was able to capture this proud cardinal If this is the focus I get through a double pane window, I can't wait to get this lens out in nature. Prepare for ALL THE BIRD PICTURES!!!
Gratitude Project 52/366
2-21-20
When H started reading chapter books, I thought he might enjoy Harry Potter, but the size of the books were intimidating. I told him I would read some to him and then he could read the rest. I read the first page, ending with "The Dursleys had everything they wanted, but they also had a secret, and their greatest fear was that somebody would discover it. "
"Then what happens?!" he asked. I handed him the book and there began his first of at least 20 Harry Potter series readings.
The curiosity is too much for him. He Is constantly trying to discover new information and new ways to do things, so he reads, talks and creates his way through that. He's going to change the world with that curiosity, and I can't wait to see how.
Gratitude Project 53/366
2-22-20
Saturday mornings
I love how they can always make each other laugh.
Gratitude Project 54/366
2-23-20
Yes, it's another bird story. And it's kind of a long one because it's a big lesson.
February 2014 was the most difficult month of my life. I never gave up faith that God had a plan for us, but I had a hard time with waiting and not being able to do anything to hurry along this journey. To calm my nerves, I went to the birds. I would nestle inside thickets and brush by the river and just wait. It was where I could practice that trait of patience, never knowing what was coming or when. It was during a particularly trying day that I saw my first cedar waxwing. I had been waiting for the usual - cardinals, blue jays, robins and bluebirds, when this bird I had never seen before landed right in front of me. He turned to me with that little super hero face, bold but graceful, and just stayed and stared for some time. That moment gave me so much peace and gratitude; it gave me that extra bit of faith that I needed at that time. And I never saw another cedar waxwing after that.
Fast forward to February 2020. I woke up and searched the Realtor and Zillow websites, like I do every morning, and was frustrated to see that there were no new listings. I had some emails from my Realtor (and good friend, Audra ) about some possibilities on the horizon and then she sent me a text message that said,
"Hang in there. I believe God has His path for you and is not giving you options because the best is yet to come."
Okay, message received. I know this lesson. I've learned this before. I needed the reminder.
We head off to church. The entire worship service was centered around this lesson. Faith in the journey, trusting God to take charge of the map.
"Waymaker
Miracle Worker
Promise Keeper
Light in the darkness
My God
That is who You are."
And if it wasn't sinking in just yet, we ended with singing over and over,
"Even when I can't feel it, You're working
You never stop, You never stop working
You never stop, You never stop working."
Message received. Again.
I suppose it's true that I need repetition to overcome my control-fueled anxiety. The sermon also focused on the trust, the God's got this, stop freaking out message! Ending with Pastor Randy sweetly singing the chorus of one of his favorite songs,
"I'm no longer a slave to fear,
I am a Child of God."
Message received. Again.
When I came home, I was pulled to photograph some birds. I headed to a place I haven't been back to since we returned here, the brush down by the river. I found my way to the same place where I had seen the waxwing years earlier and I waited. It was coming, I was sure of it. Faithful and waiting. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw it, a flutter of color. I turned my lens towards the movement, focused in and ... ROBIN! A common robin that I see every day. Beautiful bird, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't the unique waxwing I was expecting. It occurred to me that I was completely missing the point of the entire day full of the same lesson. I can't control this journey. I can't force a waxwing sighting any more than I can hurry along an adoption or create the perfect home listing. I decided to head to my new place on post, an open path I discovered this week, not trapped inside old sad memories in these bushes but a wide open space surrounded by air and red-headed woodpeckers.
I hopped in my car, headed to my new destination, and came around a curve to a flurry of yellow. I did a u-turn and pulled into a parking lot to find a tree filled to the brim with cedar waxwings. For some time, I didn't even lift my camera, overcome by the site and the lesson again. In the most unexpected place, at the most unexpected time, while I was in between two points on a map I created, this bright yellow detour yelled the lesson yet one more time for me, "Get out of God's way. You don't have the map. You are not in control of the journey or the timing. Have faith, keep your eyes open, do not fear."
Gratitude Project 55/366
2-24-20
While I was out shooting cedar waxwings, EJ saw a new bird at the feeder. I had the bird book in my car from the lake trips with the kids, so he couldn't identify it. We've been on the watch all day and it hasn't returned, but I love that the entire family is in on my bird obsession.
Gratitude Project 56/366
2-25-20
Like many conversations with Hansen, I'm not sure how we arrived at the topic, but he started laughing about the phrase, "Jesus, take the wheel," and how if people ask and it doesn't happen, are there just car wrecks everywhere.
And I will tell you, that is at the center of my biggest life struggles. When is it time to just completely surrender and when is it time to put in some of the work? I don't think God intends for us to sit on the couch, eat bonbons and pray to win the lottery - even if the rest of our life centers around loving people and being kind, that isn't enough. At some point, I have to act, to put in some of the work and make decisions based on what I believe is influenced by Him. But when and where and how do I know? It's not always so easy to decipher.
I went bird hunting yesterday. I drove to my bird goldmine lake hoping to capture the long-legged wading bird I saw last week when I had the bum lens. Or even just any new bird. Or any old bird if I could capture it in a new way. I kept looking up, darting my eyes around for a glimpse of moving color, when finally I decided I should rethink this and look down. Maybe there was something beautiful I was missing by looking up all day.
I mean, I guess the goal is to just do our best, looking up to Heaven for guidance, looking down in prayer and surrender and studies, being completely open to the answer when it arrives.
But knowing when it arrives, that isn't always so clear.
(This is a picture of trees reflected in a puddle. The leaves had fallen into the puddle in a way that made them look like they were attached to the tops of the trees.)
Gratitude Project 57/366
2-26-20
Me at 5pm - "Ugh, I haven't taken any pictures for my gratitude project today."
H - "Um, hello, we're right here! Aren't we the things you are MOST grateful for?"
Me - "Oh, let's do one of those half of each of your face pictures."
"Ok - that was good, but open your eyes a bit more. Oh, wow, okay, not that much. No, really squish your cheeks together. Not that much. Okay, switch sides. Ermergosh - just put your faces together. So close -- just put them a little closer together ... oh, okay, don't lean. Oh, never mind. I think I have what I need here."
Gratitude Project 58/366
2-27-20
It was past bedtime, but I heard talking coming from M's room.
I poked my head in, "what's all the talking about?"
"I'm reading a book to Koo."
And she let me take some pictures of it. Double gratitude for 1) a sweet stuffed animal momma and 2) her being more open to letting me photograph these moments.
Gratitude Project 59/366
2-28-20
I was reading an article on The Neuroscience of Gratitude and how it affects anxiety. I've always believed gratitude is the best way to overcome anxiety, but even on Day 59 of this project, I still have plenty of anxiety. The article mentioned four categories of gratitude - Thanking others, ourselves, Mother Nature, and the Almighty. It occurred to me that I have no problem finding gratitude in 3 of those categories, but I have issues with one - myself. It's not that I don't like myself, but I really struggle with beating myself up for making the wrong choice or decision, which leads to me being annoyingly indecisive, whether it's what sandwich to order or what car to buy. And then I will question the decision regardless. Sometimes for months. And we make decisions EVERY DAY, so that's a big part of life. I realize we all have positive and negative traits, but this is the trait I struggle with most. And it's the thing I focus on most. Others, God, nature - I have been focusing on the positive things, but myself, I'm stil focusing on this flaw, obsessing on the negative.
It's kind of a big deal that I have chosen 59 pictures with more ease than usual (and it has a lot to do with making sure I wrote out a detailed, judegment free set of guidelines for this project). The new month will bring a side project outlined in this article https://positivepsychology.com/neuroscience-of-gratitude/. This project won't change and I won't share the side project, but I figured I would share the article in case it gave anyone else some a-ha moments like it did me.
And this picture isn't from yesterday. For the first time, I'm sharing a picture that wasn't actually taken on the tagged day. And it's fine. I'm giving myself grace that I couldn't focus on the project yesterday. And I also want this picture in my final project book because it brings me peace.
Gratitude Project 60/366
2-29-20
Building on yesterday's article about trying to find the gratitude in myself, I did something I never do - I got in the picture. Usually when I try this, I just see the exhausted almost 50-year-old who can't control her brain enough to get a decent night's sleep or put together outfits beyond t-shirts & assorted hoodies. But in this shot, I see more than that.
I see a mom who doesn't always succeed but is always trying to do the best for her kids. I see a wife who lets her husband know how much he is loved and respected and needed. I see a Christian woman trying everyday to listen to His lessons to lead her life choices. I see a person on a path of gratitude, a positive direction led by the best new year's resolution ever. And I see a math-challenged individual who busts her buns to run a tight budget ship which helped her family get to a place to BUY THIS NEW HOUSE!!!!!!
Yes, we finally bought a house!!!! More information to come, but we'll let all the ink dry and contracts finalize before sharing all the details.
March
Gratitude Project 61/366
3-1-20
I sometimes get frustrated by the robins when I'm looking for new birds. There are just so many of them and they trick my eyes because their coloring looks like other exciting birds. But the first robin I see of the season is always exciting - it's the first sign that spring is coming, a symbol of renewal and new beginnings! So the robin in part of the gratitude project today as we embark on our own new journey with this new home and new community.
Gratitude Project 62/366
3-2-20
At least they use the 4000 toys they own?
Gratitude Project 63/366
3-3-20
In a recent episode of my favorite show, This is Us, Rebecca was telling the story behind the song, "Our House." It was based on a simple evening in Graham Nash & Joni Mitchell's home, little details that mattered to them combined into this nostalgic song. And then she said, "An otherwise simple moment might have been forgotten if not for that song."
Yesterday was a rough day for M. Even though she's excited about the new house, she doesn't really deal well with any big changes. Couple that with me changing out all of her toddler hangers with adult ones without asking her first and the morning just kind of spiraled. She rebounded and had a great day at school, but the afternoon was still touch and go as she dealt with big feelings. I had to drag her inside from playing with friends to get dressed for Taekwondo and that walk upstairs wasn't happy ... until she reached the top and this gorgeous light was streaming in from the guest room into the hall (and highlighting my lack of housekeeping skills) and it was just the magic she needed to brighten her mood. She walked over to this ridiculously dusty desk and just started swiffering it with her hands to make more magic. And then I went a little crazy and added a lot more magic in Photoshop because this is how it felt. A simple, single moment in time of watching her filled with joy and abandon surrounded by this everyday magic. I don't want to forget this. I don't want to forget any of these moments.
Gratitude Project 64/366
3-4-20
Last night before bed, he said, "I think I rushed through my day too fast because I couldn't wait to be 12, but I wasn't thinking about how I only get to be 11 once. I should have focused more on enjoying that."
The kid has my passion for nostalgia, for sure. But I don't think he missed anything this year of being 11. He went all in, like he always does, and I hope 12 brings as much joy, love of life and curiosity as 11.
Gratitude Project 65/366
3-5-20
They told him to stand inside the pit and they were going to sing a traditional Japanese birthday song & that all he had to do was dance along. He gave them the side eye like, "Dude, I'm 12, I don't dance in hibachi restaurants any more."
"But,” they said, “we are doing something so difficult - we are singing for you in a foreign language. All you have to do is dance."
"Mom - take my jacket!"
When we got home, I told him 12 will likely attempt to take away that carefree spirit, that 12 whispers in your ear that you are "too old and too mature" to have that kind of fun anymore, that 12 has a lot of pressure to simmer down and fit in. But I also told him later that it's not a requirement to listen to that voice, that the most loved 12 years olds are those who are comfortable in their own skin and who celebrate others' comfort in *their* own skin, that mature and fun aren't mutually exclusive, that 12 doesn't have to steal your joy. Keep being you, H! It brings joy to you and so many others!
(You can see my phone on the left there because I couldn't decide if I wanted to record or photograph, so I attempted to do both , shooting with one in each hand but watching him to take it all in.)
Gratitude Project 66/366
3-6-20
Shirt on backwards, rainbows everywhere, shiny sequin & velvet sweatpants, koala-hanging on the punching bag. This is M at 7. And, as she always starts reminding me right after H's birthday, she's less than a month away from being another year older.
Gratitude Project 67/366
3-7-20
I used to wonder how much age difference would affect this sibling relationship. Would 4 years be too great a gap for them to form a friendship, the distance too far for them to enjoy playing together? I had absolutely nothing to worry about.
Gratitude Project 68/366
3-8-20
And so it begins ....
This will be the first of many furniture store trips for the new house. During this trip, we only bought lunch and two jars of lingonberry jam, which is a bit of a miracle considering past IKEA trips. We are more in purge mode right now, but we will need a few odds and ends once we get in the new place. We are headed there today with notebooks and measuring tapes and way too many ideas. Hoping to get it all sorted out and on paper today so we can start really planning - I love this part of moving!
Gratitude Project 69/366
3-9-20
Yesterday was so busy, but in a great way! We had our home inspection (still a few issues there, but things are looking good) and met with the contractors about finishing the basement. Then it was grocery shopping and off to school for one of my favorite things - art volunteer day! When I was signing in, I noticed a bunch of parent visitors from M's class were at the book fair, so I headed to the library and found them there (I had missed the book fair notification email because of the busy day). It was so fun to surprise her and I had my camera in my purse from the home visit, so I shot this one from my hip waiting in line. She is reading another copy of the book I was standing in line to purchase. I think she's read it three more times already. We have more books than any family could ever need, but I can't resist buying at least one book fair book every time -- the book fair is a favorite memory from elementary school, and I want them to have those fun memories too.
Gratitude Project 70/366
3-10-20
I didn't really have time to drive across the city to visit the arboretum, but I felt like it was the self care I needed to get through the rest of the week with grace and patience. Connecting with nature and feeling God's presence there centers me in a way that only recognizing one's insignificance in the grand scheme of things can. With the new house to do lists, this crazy Corona virus on repeat on every station, and with the bird lens heading back to Canon, I had to take advantage of the morning to just walk and look and forget all the other stuff for a couple of hours. I found so many beautiful things, and it's only going to get better in the spring and summer! The simple beauty and color palette of this sweet junco was just the calm I needed.
Gratitude Project 71/366
3-11-20
When people ask, "what's your favorite season?" I'm always a little conflicted. I love them all for different reasons - there's something to celebrate in all of them. My favorite time of the year is actually that shift from season to season, winter to spring probably being at the top of the list. When the iris leaves start poking through crumbling dirt, the birds start chirping and flirting every morning even before the sun breaks, when the bikes come off the garage hooks permanently and everyone has had just about enough of all that snow and this gorgeous weather pulls the neighborhood out to play Mother May I. I think we have one more week of colder weather and then it's full on afternoons sitting on driveways or in the back field watching the kids play.
Gratitude Project 72/366
3-12-20
You know, it's getting a little heavy. We all have our own drama and deadlines and stressors and then we add on this Corona virus/supply hoarding/politicizing/economic plunge desperation and it's hard to find the positive. And if you do manage to find the humor or gratitude in the moment, there's a chatter of privilege or being inappropriate or ignoring the problem.
The thing is, there is always suffering and sadness and people & things falling apart all around us, but it's not as apparent because it's not on every news station and around every water cooler. I have always believed that the only way to survive this life that's full of good & evil, happy & sad, celebration & mourning is finding some balance. Recognizing the suffering, extending grace and assistance whenever you can, and being aware of the negative. But we cannot let that overtake the whole or we crumble into hopelessness and negativity. Some days, like these days, it takes way more work to find the positive, to focus on the gratitude, but it's that balance that will keep us sane. It's in these times that it's most important to pause and take a break from the obvious negative to search for the not so obvious positive. We can't ignore the problems - they need attention, but so do the good things.
I'm not sure this stream of consciousness even makes sense, but it just feels like we are all under a weight of gloom and then I see these two last night reminding me of the importance of balance. This is H testing for his green belt. It's a serious test that requires focus and concentration, but they found time to laugh and take a break and joke a bit ... and then they got right back to the testing. This wasn't a one time thing - these two share this trait of focusing on the positive, finding the humor even in the heavy times, and understanding the importance of balance.
He didn't get his belt last night. He earned it, but they ran out of time so he will get it next week. And he was totally okay with that because he realizes it doesn't all have to happen right now, that pausing for the laughter is more important for him than staying serious all the time and being overwhelmed with anxiety.
Gratitude Project 73/366
3-13-20
I noticed M's bike down by the creek, so I headed down to investigate. I was on the phone with Grammy who said, "I don't know that it's safe for kids to play by the creek alone!" (Safety Pup gene located ) I relayed this sage advice to M, which just made her want to explore more.
"MOM!!! LOOK!!! The Adventures of Danger Kitty! HEE HEE HEE!!!"
There's that balance again. Every Safety Pup needs a Danger Kitty.
Gratitude Project 74/366
3-14-20
Yesterday, we drove to tiny Rocheport to buy a Craigslist loft bed for H - he's always wanted one but this is the first house where we will have tall enough ceilings.
I told our server how, over 25 years ago, EJ & I made several trips to Rocheport from Fulton when the local winery opened its doors. "You don't look a day over 33," she said. Eye roll from M, "They are both in their 40s." Thanks, kid.
I wanted to document our quick lunch, so I asked them to look through the big plate glass windows while I photographed from outside. The shadows weren't right and they were squirelly, so I gestured them back to the table and decided I would just take a picture of the entrance. It's a cool little place, and the entrance would be perfect for this day in the Gratitude Project book. I was snapping away when I saw them in the door. These two.
Gratitude Project 75/366
3-15-20
I've slept through the night for 5 nights in a row. This is not normal for me. I honestly can't remember ever having a streak like this. Considering everything going on the world and in our family right now, my expectation would be that I would be up at least a couple of hours in the middle of every night, drinking Sleepy Tea and editing pictures to help calm down my anxious brain. Maybe it's just overload and my anxiety has blown up and given in, but I suspect it's more likely a side effect of this gratitude project. Spending every day looking for the positive and every morning finding the words to help me focus on that positive has to have an impact on my mindset.
Thankfully, the kids aren't experiencing too much out of the norm just yet. We are on Spring Break and it's raining, so staying inside and not going to school seems like a normal day. I've brought up all the activities from the basement, hoping to occupy their brains with something other than screens and Corona thoughts. As social distancing starts taking more of a toll on them, I hope that we can all work together to focus on our connection here, to find the positive as a family, to take advantage of this down time togetherness in this usually fast paced world.
Gratitude Project 76/366
3-16-20
Right before bed, I almost let it overtake me. I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and some posts got me anxious. I felt that little tinge of panic arise in me - I mean, what if it ALL just falls apart? It's easy to go there when you read about fights in the toilet paper aisle, see people wishing the virus on those with differing political affiliations, and consider the possible length of this epidemic.
But then I prayed, recentered, and remembered the rest of the day and how I was overwhelmed with the way people are reaching out with positivity through all of this. Neighborhood posts about sharing supplies, educational companies offering their schooling for free, movie studios releasing current theatre movies to cable, exercise companies streaming workouts for free, and museum & zoos offering virtual tours and online lessons for this new normal of a 100% homeschooling nation. There were posts reminding us that we are all in this together - teacher friends offering to help with homework, funny posts about passing the time (the sock eating cars through the window being my favorite), new gratitude projects popping up, and Chris Martin from Coldplay live streaming him singing alone in his home and commenting how we are all alone in our homes .... we are all in this together. I also saw a post with a mariachi band performing, Titantic style, at the HEB registers, which I'm not sure is supposed to make me grateful or anxious, but with this project as my guide, I'll go grateful.
This virus is here and will be here for some time. We have at least 2 months, likely much longer, to choose how to respond. We cannot ignore or grateful away the deaths or lost jobs or real suffering here, but where we DO have the choice, focusing on the positive will help keep us sane. We can focus on the few who hoard, panic about the worst case scenarios and search for ways to judge those around us. Or we can focus on the beautiful humanity emerging here as people come together to help, as we start gaining some perspective about what's really important in life. And hopefully we come out on the other side with a more gentle and content generation who reminisce about the good people like Mo Willems who took time from his day for daily lunchtime doodling.
Gratitude Project 77/366
3-17-20
This is going to be all over the place. Yesterday was the hardest news so far and my sleeping through the night streak ended.
While we were house hunting, the kids' biggest concern was getting to finish out the school year in their current district. Last night, we had to break the news that school was canceled for the rest of the year. We didn't go into more detail, but we also know that this social isolation will make moving much harder as they are limited from play dates and easing into a new neighborhood, outside meeting friends. I held off telling them the news until EJ got home because I thought it would crush them. As always, they took it better than I expected.
These kids are resilient.
As I was about to fall asleep, H walked into my room to show me a chart he had made, LIST OF ACTIVITIES. "There's actually a lot of things I've wanted to do together, but we don't have this much time usually."
The list includes everything from trail walking to making slide shows encompassing all of his science theories to Minecraft Super-builds. He also listed Lego contests, watching all the Marvel movies and getting me to read his favorite book series. I was worried he would go to bed sad about the coming weeks and he turned it around into something positive.
These kids are resilient.
But these kids will be challenged like never before. All of that anxiety and confusion we feel as adults is multiplied as their developing minds try to understand and process this uncharted scary territory. They see our fear and they will probably cover up their own to protect us. The actual virus isn't affecting kids as drastically but the changes will have the most drastic effect on them. As they navigate this new normal, I know there will likely be shorter tempers and big feelings for all of us. More than ever, these kids need grace and understanding and attention and respect. They are sacrificing more than any other age group for the benefit of those other age groups.
I am confident the pandemic will shape this generation in a positive way as they watch people selflessly helping one another and as they see the benefits of sacrificing individual pleasures for the betterment of the whole.
This too shall pass and so much about who we are after it depends on where we focus our attention and deeds. I never could have predicted how much I would need this gratitude project.
Gratitude Project 78/366
3-18-20
M spent quite a bit of time listing out her school schedule so I would know how to run "class" over these next couple of months. Everything from reviewing the weather (spoiler alert - rainy and cold for the next week) to choosing a lunch (I'm impressed with myself if I get a veggie side prepped for the mac & cheese - choices?!?) to the order of events.
After lunch, they both asked if they could have recess.
"It's Spring Break - there is no school schedule yet - just go outside."
"We want INSIDE recess!"
Oh, I see where this is going. These two plotted an extra screen time scheme using inside recess as a cover. I can see that I will have to be on my toes as we venture into virtual school ... but at least they are working together .
I gave in to 20 minutes of inside recess if they did 20 minutes outside first.
(By 4 pm, they didn't need any schemes - I offered up the idea of Frozen 2 for Mila and Minecraft Super Build for H while I chilled out alone in my room. )
Gratitude Project 79/366
3-19-20
We had a post on our neighborhood page about chalking all the driveways with upbeat and fun messages. Rain is in the forecast so all the messages will likely be gone soon, but no one cared.
Maybe the messages weren't for everyone else anyway.
Maybe they were for the creators.
Or maybe we are all so in this together that all of that you/me stuff is starting to fade away a bit.
Gratitude Project 80/366
3-20-20
It seems like the arts have taken over while we are all in isolation. The Illustrators are sharing You Tube tutorials and the chefs are creating cooking lessons and the musicians are putting out daily free concerts and the actors are reading stories to kids on their pages.
Art has always gotten us through the hardest times.
It's not just the escape, whether into a happier time before COVID-19 or into a world only in our imagination. (And that escape is so important, but there's more.) We might not be able to express the emotions we feel right now, but there's a note on a guitar or a color we can mix or a taste we can create that does it for us. And that is such a comfort, to be able to locate an outlet for an emotion. And art connects us, shows us that people in the past and people now have similar stories. We can read about good triumphing over evil and have hope. We can view art highlighting tragic historical struggles and see that the world moved on and learn the lessons from that history. We can hear a song and know that we have a connection to at least one other person out there because THAT tune, THOSE words stirred our soul just like the person who just played them. But there's even more than being able to express our feelings and escape and connection.
Art gives us a new way to see things. Art calls us to use new methods, begs for out of the box ways to solve problems and calms our soul enough in the process to forget the chatterboxes in the background.
We will get through this.
But there will be another this in the future. It's these little couped-up kids who will be called on then to solve the next this. They will need the core subjects for the base of knowledge, but they need it with a side of art. They need it with a side of "let's try to look at this a different way - there's more than one answer." They need it with a side of "why don't we calm our minds with an escape, not force it, and then come back later with a fresh perspective." They need it with a side of, "I know it's always been done this way, but I read this story one time where ..... and maybe that just might work!" They need it with a side of "I once took a box and turned it into a house with just markers and poster board and that confidence is fueling my ability to cure this disease."
The arts have taken over and it's a very good thing.
Gratitude Project 81/366
3-21-20
I went on a short hike yesterday morning. It was freezing when I first got there, but there were so many bird calls ringing through the woods. It felt like winter but it sounded like spring. The longer I was there, the sun started rising, warming up my path and pushing light behind the plants and I realized how much green was already in these woods. Spring is coming, no matter how long this winter is trying to hang on, spring will eventually break through. There are lessons in the plants if we stop long enough to listen. Spring is coming and all of nature is preparing and faithful.
Gratitude Project 82/366
3-22-20
We've added music into the daily schedule. They can practice anywhere and play whatever they want, but they just have to play. Although he hasn't mentioned seeing friends or other people in the past couple of days, it's obvious how much he is missing socialization. He just loves being around others. His music choice is sitting in front of this window, looking over the neighborhood, singing Three Little Birds over and over.
"Don't worry about a thing,
cause every little thing
is gonna be alright."
Gratitude Project 83/366
3-23-20
M's amazing teacher was missing her class so much that she sent out a last minute Zoom invitation. These sweet kids, full of energy and love and hilarious stories. It was bittersweet watching their community interact in this new way when all they want to do is run and play and tag and hug.
Gratitude Project 84/366
3-24-20
Hansen came downstairs before breakfast in a dressy shirt and suit coat.
"You're looking fancy - why are you all dressed up?"
"Don't you remember? Mo said we should dress up for doodling today?"
I had not remembered, but I did then. Before he signed off the day before, Mo said that he was dressing up in something fancy and that everyone else could too. Never mind that it's LUNCHTIME doodles with Mo, H was prepared at 7am. (Note the furniture is all cleared - our Taekwondo studio is offering their classes online so he did his practice all dressed up too.)
Hearing his explanation for dressing up threw my emotions all over the place, which has been pretty typical during this pandemic. I felt this surge of admiration for an almost teen who understands how important it is to drop his guard and have fun. I also felt a tinge of sadness for the way this world has completely changed our world and routine and expectations. But then I remembered the gratitude. And I felt thankful that this author understands children enough to know they need something like this to anticipate in these times.
Gratitude Project 85/366
3-25-20
Yesterday started a little rough. The social distancing and rain and just the isolation of life right now. Morale was down, the COVID19 honeymoon period is over.
H's youth group met on Zoom twice, once for a lunch chat and then at their regular fellowship time for the message and small groups. His demeanor was completely changed after interacting with friends and listening to God's word about having patience through these trying times. Hearing his laughter from the back porch filled my heart.
Being forced to socially distance has made me realize how much distancing I have been doing on my own recently. I'm generally a people person, but I've been turning down lunch dates and coffee invitations and even just gathering at the bus stop with other moms in the morning. I haven't been doing it purposefully - it's just the pace of life made me want to slow down by turning down any set in stone plans. But it turns out that the slowing down probably didn't need to center around the social interaction but around all the little things taking up my time while I was social distancing.
This pandemic is awful, but there are so many lessons here. I just hope I take them in and don't forget them once the world speeds up again.
Gratitude Project
86/366
3-26-20
My FB feed is a combination of 1) a celebration of humanity & finding the beauty in this new simple life and 2) angry frustration with this pandemic crushing people's spirit and people being overwhelmed by it all. And there is lot of comparison happening, statuses like, "how are you doing it? I'm dying over here homeschooling and I see other people thriving."
I think the reality is that we are ALL all over the place. I don't know that it's possible to go through something like this without a roller coaster of emotions and experiences. There are ups and downs and laughter and tears (like all days, but amplified by the stress of this time). And I think some people get through it by escaping a bit and focusing on the positive and others need to commiserate about the awfulness of it all and then others need both depending on the hour.
I loved this assignment I found online. There was a little packet that talked about bird features and the amazing bird artist, John James Audubon. There were links and discussion questions for several birds that all led to a science/art assignment designing a new bird. Aren't these birds the coolest? One of the kids started the assignment by balling up the worksheets one by one and throwing them on the ground, refusing to start. The other kids immediately went outside to be surrounded by birds to be more into the assignment. After a while, the other kid bought into the assignment and was as into the bird creation (maybe even more so) as the other. These reactions are a result of the feelings caused by this pandemic - one is escaping by ignoring reality and the other is so into the reality that it's impossible to process all of the emotions.
Neither reaction is better than the other and neither is likely the healthiest, but we are all doing the best we can with what we have and who we are.
Gratitude Project
87/366
3-27-20
This is my favorite time of year, when the seasons change.
I love watching nature come to life, the trees starting to bloom, the birds chasing around and April rains bringing out the worms.
If we have to have a global pandemic, I think this changing of seasons is the only thing keeping me sane - a reminder
that we are still moving forward, that things can change and grow (even if it's so slowly that it's hard to recognize until it's already happened), that we can't have the flowers without the rain.
Gratitude Project
88/366
3-28-20
I think she's grateful that we are home all day.
Gratitude Project
89/366
3-29-20
Our Sunday ritual is doughnuts on the way to church. Since church is in the living room now, it's Dad's famous pancakes on the back deck before church.
It's getting harder and harder to get pictures of M during this stay at home order. She's decided that, if we can't leave the house, there's no reason to put on pants. Which is fine if she's in a robe like this, but she usually isn't. I had to MAKE her put this on because we have neighbors on either side of us.
Gratitude Project
90/366
3-30-20
6 years ago today, we met M. We spent the first part of the year faithful that there was a plan, but not being certain what it was. Our life was definitely not going as planned, but it all fell into place and made sense. And we are better because of the struggle, stronger because of the wait, closer to God and more appreciative of one another. The waiting was so hard, but we never lost hope.
When I was feeding the birds, one of the little finches didn't move. He let me get right up next to him before flying away. M decided she could get him even closer and she sat like this, bird seed in hand, until her arms just couldn't take it anymore.
The birds never came, but it was one of the best parts of her day, full of hope.
Gratitude Project
91/366
3-31-20
Bubble weather is back!